An American Ninja in Konohagakure
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: Minato sent his son... Somewhere else, after sealing the Kyuubi inside him. Ten years later, Konoha gets him back. They probably weren't expecting all this, though...
1. Chapter 1

**An American Ninja in Konohagakure**

 **A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon**

 **Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**

* * *

It wasn't the best solution. It might not even have counted as a _solution,_ persay. Kushina had certainly not been happy with the little addition to their rapidly cobbled together plan. That was his wife: Never afraid to speak her mind or put him in his place, even while in labor and dying from chakra exhaustion. Minato Namikaze though? He knew his mind, and he knew he was panicking. He knew he was fearful of how their village had turned from peaceful refuge to chaotic battlefield. From secure, to a place where the shadows had spinning red tomoe eyes.

He didn't know if the Uchiha could be trusted. Right now, he didn't know if anyone could be trusted. All he knew was that the tiny bundle, squalling against his chest, wasn't safe here. And if his son wasn't safe here, he could not be safe... Anywhere.

The Fox howled, tails waving like serpents. The chakra chains subduing it were weakening, he felt his wife's chakra fading, fading... He had to do this.

He had finished the seal on his son's stomach, less than ten minutes ago. But it left just enough time for him to pen a note. He didn't know if anyone there could read it. He didn't know if his son would be found. But before the Nine Tailed Fox, the very power of Life and Death screaming through the walls of reality... Namikaze Minato made his choice.

The Fox vanished, howling in rage. Minato Namikaze fell, his soul gone. His beloved wife Kushina lay dead nearby, her long red hair fanned out like the tails of the furious beast she had held so long.

But when Hatake Kakashi came across the body of his mentor, he didn't find an orphaned baby. All he found was a red orb, floating above the ground, that through his Sharingan made him feel uneasy.

That feeling got worse when he reviewed the frantically scrabbled notes his sensei had written, explaining his reasoning, and showing the way to bring his son back. This was way beyond him.

In this though, Kakashi knew, he was not alone. And no matter what it took... He would get sensei's son back.

* * *

 _Firestone, Colorado, United States of America, Earth_

Mary Nelson sighed as she looked up from her laptop screen, to her son as he wandered near the fence of the horse paddock. Summer vacation was a pain for her, and for him too: His father was away on deployment, and she had to manage both him and their little farm. The seven year old hadn't abandoned his troublemaking from his early toddler years, it seemed-He just got more inventive, and more daring.

"Nathan, sweetie, away," she warned him. He pouted at her, still holding onto the wooden bars of the fence. Their studding horse, Ripley, was peacefully grazing a few meters away. He might have started his rut, he might not have, but Mary wasn't keen on letting Nathan too near him until she knew for sure.

"Mom," he whined, "I wanna ride!"

"We can ride later, sweetie," Mary said calmly. "Mommy's working."

"Is Daddy coming home soon?" He asked.

"Not for another few hours," she said, checking her spreadsheet. Everything seemed in order, but she was keen to do the math herself a second time. It was a habit drilled into her by her accountant mother-Trust machines less the more complicated they got. She personally felt her mom had just seen Terminator and taken it too seriously, but habit was habit.

Still better than her complaining about how violent everything had gotten. She didn't know a thing about violent movies-

Thunder broke over the ranch, and Mary looked up in shock at the clear blue sky. Ripley nearly shrieked in a panic, and began galloping around the paddock. She'd heard fireworks go off before, and sonic booms from the jets her husband flew at his base, but this was-

"MOMMY! MOM!" Nathan shouted, pointing frantically into the paddock. She followed his gaze and gasped-A white, struggling bundle was laying in the center of the dirt covered enclosure, as Ripley whinnied and galloped frantically. She vaguely heard her computer beep in protest as it slid off her lap, but didn't break her stride. She leaped over the wooden fence, sprinting for the bundle as Ripley barreled for it. She was closer, but the horses's clopping hooves were faster, so _fast_...!

She scooped up the bundle and kept running, the thunder of hooves and the heat of the horse's breath hitting her hair and neck as she flew. She got to the other side of the fence and vaulted over it, landing harshly on the lip of the drainage ditch running along the road. She lost her balance, but at the cry of the bundle in her arms she wrapped herself around it and slammed her foot into the grass. Mary sucked in deep breaths, her whole body shaking. She heard a baby crying loudly, and even as her heart beat like a piston engine in her chest... She felt a no less frantic heartbeat against her breast.

Mary slowly sat up, still gasping hard for breath, sweat dripping down her forehead. She gently arranged the squirming bundle in her hands, and pulled the white sheets clear. A small, fussy blonde head of hair greeted her, as a wrinkled newborn cried his eyes out. Mary studied the screaming baby, and rested a hand on a chubby cheek. A cheek with whisker-like marks across it.

She held the little boy tightly, muttering calming words and nonsense to try and comfort the infant. He began to quiet down, just a bit, when Nathan ran up and threw his arms around her neck, sobbing in relief.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Nathan cried, and Mary adjusted her arm to hug her frightened son and the baby at the same time. Her heartbeat slowed, as the messy brown hair of her son mingled with the fuzzy blonde of the little child. She kissed Nathan on the top of his head, stroking his back.

"It's okay, I'm okay... We're okay..." She murmured. It wasn't long before the neighbors arrived, worried about the loud boom that had gone off. Mary composed herself as best she could, and dutifully made the report of what she'd heard. Fireworks set off by kids, probably. It happened a lot.

When it came to the baby in her arms though... She found she couldn't quite muster up the whole truth.

It was like the first day she'd met Nathan, tiny and helpless in her arms at the hospital-She'd fallen in love with the child. And she wanted to keep him for herself.

* * *

"Found him this morning," she said calmly. She squeezed Nathan's hand, as her other arm held the baby against her breast. He'd quieted down, sleeping softly. The police officers sat across from her on the swing bench on their porch, looking a bit dubious.

"Way out here?" One, named Hernandez, asked incredulously. Mary shrugged.

"Maybe some college student wanted to drop him off, give him a good home," she said calmly. "You know, panicking..."

"He _does_ look Asian," said the other officer, named Phillips, who was sipping a glass of lemonade Mary had thoughtfully provided. "Though... Blonde? And those birthmarks!"

"Maybe some frat boy... Made an exchange student pregnant. She couldn't bare the shame," Mary continued with a shrug. Nathan shyly held up a piece of paper, and Mary looked down. "Nathan? What-"

"It... It was with him when we... When we found him," Nathan said, sounding unsure but trying to follow his mother's lead. She smiled at him, and squeezed his hand. He was a bright boy, a very bright boy.

Hernandez took the paper and frown. "Huh... Looks like Kanji... Japanese," he explained to his partner. Phillips snorted.

"When did _you_ learn Japanese?"

"I wanted a minor that had plenty of cute girls in it," Hernandez said with a smirk. He cleared his throat and looked it over. "Well... Been a while, but it looks like it says... 'Please take care of him... His name is...'" He squinted. "Fishcake?"

"Fishcake?" Nathan asked dubiously. "Who names a kid Fishcake?"

"Oh, sorry," Hernandez apologized. "It's 'Naruto'. Too literal."

"Still, naming a baby 'Fishcake'," Mary sighed with a shake of her head. Phillips chuckled.

"Eh, weirder things to name kids. My sister was named 'Dorkus'. Hated her parents forever," he said. Mary looked down at the sleeping face of the baby, felt his beating heart. She smiled down at him.

"Naruto," Mary said softly. She looked up at the officers. "Do... Do you think I could... Adopt him?"

"It's a little more complicated than that, ma'am," Hernandez said. "I mean, a lot of forms to fill, your husband needs to be involved..." He saw the look on the woman's face, and smiled. "But... I think we can work it out."

"Thank you," Mary said gratefully. Nathan looked up at his mother, concerned. She smiled at him, eyes filled with love, and bent over so he could see the baby's face.

"Nathan...? This is Naruto," she said softly. "I know... It's sudden, but... But I want you to be a good big brother to him. All right?"

Nathan studied the baby, and reached out to rub one of his chubby cheeks. The baby sighed, and Nathan smiled.

"All right," he said.

"Promise?" Mary asked.

"I promise..."

* * *

Night had fallen, quickly thanks to the mountains' tendency to blot out the sun as it set here. Mary paced anxiously in front of the front door, the cellphone she'd used to text her husband tightly gripped in her hands.

She knew it was impulsive. God knew, she hadn't been herself for a time, but... She steeled herself. She knew it was a lot to ask. She knew it was. But she just...

Car headlamps shone through the windows, and a motor came to a stop. She heard familiar feet clomping up the gravel driveway, and a form block some of the light from the porch lamps out. The door turned, and her husband stepped in.

"Rob, I-" She started, before her tall husband took her into his arms and kissed her fervently. She returned the favor, after a surprised squeal. She gripped his uniform tunic and sighed through her nostrils, enjoying the warmth.

Then they broke, and she smiled warmly up at him. He returned the gesture, his teeth shining gently.

"So... Orphan on the door step?" He asked. "That... That happens still?"

"I... Well..." Mary worked her jaw. "It was... A little more involved than that. You might think I'm crazy."

"Try me," he said.

So she told him about the mysterious boom. About how the baby had appeared in the center of the paddock. She led him over to it, as Ripley was in the stable for the night. They hopped the fence, and by the light of their cellphones they found the spot Naruto had shown up in.

Surprisingly, it was very easy to find. Grooves were torn into the ground, slightly marred by Ripley's hooves but still recognizable. Rob stared in disbelief, as Mary knelt down to trace the marks with her finger.

"A... Spiral?" Rob asked in disbelief. "And it just-"

"Showed up when he did? Yes," Mary said. She sighed and rubbed her face. "I didn't tell the cops... About it, or..."

"Or...?" Rob prompted his wife. She rummaged in her windbreaker, and pulled out a small, three pronged knife. Rob took it, and turned it over in his hands. There was paper wrapped around it, covered in marks. His frown grew, and he shook his head in disbelief.

"What... Some kind of... Cult?" His eyes widened. "Were they trying to sacrifice their baby or something?"

"I don't know," Mary admitted. "It's just... It doesn't make sense. But... Well..." She looked away.

He could imagine what she was thinking about. A night they'd shared, some months back. He'd woken up to a bed full of blood, and his wife pale and sobbing. He'd rushed her to the hospital, having to drop a confused Nathan off at their neighbor's so he'd be all right. Grim faced doctors, and a sonogram that showed that what had been a second child... Wasn't. Anymore.

Having to explain to Nathan he wouldn't be getting a little sister.

Rob reached out, and took his wife's hand. He squeezed it, and she slowly looked back at him. He gave her a warm, understanding smile.

"I still... I still feel horrible about it, too," he said. Mary slowly nodded, and smiled back.

"Can... Can we keep him?" She asked softly.

"Let me see him first," He said. "Don't I get to see him... First?"

Mary bit back tears, and hugged her husband tightly. It was answer enough.

* * *

Rob walked into the nursery for the first time in months. After... That night, they hadn't been able to go in. Nathan had sensed his parents' discomfort, and had tried to avoid it himself. But now the seven year old was standing at the crib, watching the tiny form of the blonde baby. He turned, and his face brightened despite his fatigue.

"Daddy!" He cried happily, charging to hug him.

"Shhh!" Rob hissed, hugging his son back with a little laugh. "Don't wake him!"

Nathan made a face. "I know, I know," he said with a scowl. "He's loud. And he smells bad."

"You were the same way too, once upon a time," Rob reminded his son, tickling him. The seven year old giggled, and batted his dad's hands away. With a final ruffling of his hair, Rob rose and walked to the crib. He looked down on the sleeping boy, dressed in just a diaper. He sucked in a breath, and very carefully reached down.

He picked up the baby, and held him tight. He continued to sleep peacefully, and his chubby fists gripped into the material of his uniform. He smiled, and stroked the baby... Hisbaby's hair. It felt like fur, strangely enough.

"... So do we get to keep him?" Nathan asked. Rob nodded.

"We do," he said. "We do."

"... Why would his parents give him away, anyway?" Nathan asked, confused. "Who does that?"

Rob sighed, and sat down in the nearby rocking chair. His oldest son crawled up into his lap-Man, he was getting big.

"I don't know," Nathan said. "I don't think they wanted to give him away... But they had to. For whatever reason." He looked down on the sleeping baby, and chuckled. "But... That just means we get to take care of him."

Nathan nodded. "So... Can I teach him football?"

Rob chuckled. "Let's start slow... After all... He just got to this planet. We might as well let him get used to it."

* * *

Out in the paddock, the spiral pattern shined briefly with energy that humanity on this world had never thought possible. The very fabric of spacetime bent, splintered…

In the house, the sleeping child's stomach glowed red. A spiral burned, surrounded by dozens of smaller symbols and markings.

It then receded. Whatever inspired the outburst, it wasn't able to break through.

Not yet.

* * *

 _Why? Why not?_


	2. Chapter 2

**An American Ninja in Konohagakure**

 **A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon**

 **Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**

* * *

 _Ten Years Later..._

* * *

Sarutobi Hiruzen was not a man prone to flights of fancy, save for escaping paperwork. He was a dedicated shinobi, who had been forced to take back the hat and responsibility for his village after his chosen successor had perished. He bore that weight every day, but made sure no one saw it as he strode confidently into the woods surrounding his village.

The birds chirped merrily away, scarcely noticing the flight of the Hokage and his ANBU escort through the trees. At length, Sarutobi spied stone walls enclosing a dome, and leaped down to land in the dirt courtyard. His ANBU kept a respectful distance as he rose, and dusted his robes off. He looked up, and smiled at the three men even now painting sealwork on the ground around the dome.

"Sensei! About time you showed up," Jiraiya snickered. "We thought you'd have been taking after Kakashi."

The Toad Sage gave Kakashi a bit of good natured ribbing, which the gray haired jounin responded to with a shrug and eye-smile.

"Maa, maa... Perhaps he stopped to appreciate the road of life."

"There's no doubt I enjoy a good contemplation of that every now and then," Sarutobi chuckled. He looked over at the fourth man working around the dome-An ANBU in a non-descript mask. "Yamato, I trust you are well?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama," he replied. "I'm ready to get to work."

"Good," Sarutobi said with a nod. That was about what he'd expected from Yamato-There would be time to bring the man out of his shell later, another step on the road. For now though...

"The sealwork is good to go," Jiraiya said. He grimaced, and scratched the side of his head. "This is about the riskiest way I can think of to do this..."

"It's the last resort, no doubt," Sarutobi agreed. "But have you anything else?"

Jiraiya sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. "I could work for another hundred years on the problem... But that would defeat the purpose of getting him back, hm? So this is what we do."

Sarutobi nodded. "All right..." He made a few handseals, and the dome of rock receded back into the earth at his command. Underneath it was a spiral, cut into the very stone itself. Jiraiya reached forward, painting a few connections to the spiral from the intricate network of seals and ink forming a mandala of sorts around it. Sarutobi sucked in a deep breath.

"You're sure this won't harm him?" He asked. Jiraiya nodded.

"As sure as I can be..." He said. Sarutobi nodded, and formed the Ram seal.

"Let's do this, then," the Hokage ordered. Kakashi pulled his forehead protector up, exposing his red Sharingan. Jiraiya finished off the seal by producing a Hiraishin Kunai, and slammed it into the exact center of the spiral. He pulled back, and formed a handseal of his own. Both ninja's auras flared violently, chakra filling the air. The sealwork began to glow as the life energy was fed into the spiral. Kakashi formed handseals and did not stop, save to input jutsus into the seal work. The spiral glowed a violent blue, and the air above it seemed to crackle and bulge. Lightning shot off from the points around it, the sheer energies involved producing a static discharge that would be lethal to normal humans and ninja alike.

The Hokage focused, focused... And through his keen senses, he felt flame and terror and a lifeforce that, while bigger and stronger, was none the less familiar. Even after all these years, the Professor remembered the feel.

"I've got him," Sarutobi managed, "do it!"

If Kakashi hesitated, he couldn't tell. The cyclopean ninja formed several additional headseals, and slammed the finished Jutsu into the network. A red chakra erupted from the center of the spiral, a killing intent that was but a fraction of the terror felt years ago.

The red chakra churned and bubbled, expanding and twisting. A humanoid form appeared in the center of it, growing and growing like the shadow of a man falling for the ground. The form gained focus, and Sarutobi reached out with all his will.

"Come... Come on...!" He growled. The form came under gravity's pull, and landed on the spiral. It threw back its head and howled... Before Yamato formed his own handseals.

In an instant, the red chakra vanished and the air was filled with the cries of startled birds. Sarutobi lowered his hands, his chest tightening at the young boy standing in the center of the seal.

He'd grown up quite a bit-Sarutobi estimated he would be a few inches over most of his peers in height. His hair was short and blonde, his face tanned from a life enjoyed outside. He wore what appeared to be denim pants, dyed blue, with a black T-shirt and a burnt orange jacket. In his ears were strange plug devices, with wires leading down to a device he held in his hands.

The boy looked around in disbelief, his jaw dropping. Sarutobi offered a comforting smile.

"Welcome home, Naruto," he said in genuine relief and happiness.

"... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The boy screamed in response, turning and running for the wall. He leaped over it and kept running, screaming the entire way. The four men stared after the child, feeling a bit dumb.

"... That could have gone better," Jiraiya said dryly.

* * *

"Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God," Naruto Nelson panted in terror, running as fast as his legs could carry him. "Oh god, oh god, oh god...!"

What the hell had happened?! How did it happen?! And why had a bunch of guys in robes and masks kidnapped him into the woods?! Naruto didn't know. He didn't want to know. He just wanted to run, far, far away.

He spotted what looked like mountains through the trees-Maybe the freaks had somehow drugged him and taken him to Loveland. Or Estes Park. Or somewhere else, wherever freaks like that practiced their demonic rituals to ten year olds. He sprinted for it, sneakers pounding the ground and stirring up leaves in his wake.

It didn't take too long after he burst from the treeline, however, to realize something was wrong. Namely, he couldn't remember Estes Park having giant faces carved into the mountain. Nor could he recall pagodas or other examples of bizarre architecture, like some giant white tower with Kanji on it.

In hindsight, it was probably good of his mother to insist he learn Japanese-That way he could recognize when he wasn't in Kansas anymore. Well, Colorado.

He kept running though. Anywhere, even some crazy Japanese Mount Rushmore theme park, was better than staying with a bunch of dark wizards in the middle of the woods. He passed by a few houses, which led to smalls shops and residences. People in strange clothing, mixes of Western and Eastern, watched him as he ran past. He looked around frantically, for someone, anyone who might be a cop. A guy in a green vest with a scar across his nose rounded a corner, hands in his pockets. He had some kind of badge on his shoulder-Maybe he was a cop?

"Excuse me!" Naruto shouted in Japanese, skidding to a stop in front of him. The man started and stared in disbelief. "Uh, hey. Look, can you tell me where I am? Some freaky guys in robes just kidnapped me and-"

"Woah, woah! Slow down," the man replied, holding his hands up. "Just calm down. What's your name, and what happened?"

"Ah... Right," Naruto managed. "Um... I'm Naruto... Nelson Naruto... And I've been kidnapped by freaky wizards in the woods."

The man stared. Naruto growled.

"It's the truth! Look, where am I?! What is this place? Who are you?!"

"You're in Konoha, the Village Hidden in the Leaves," the man replied. "My name is Iruka."

Naruto blinked.

"Um... Kay... And that is...?" He prompted. The man frowned.

"In Fire Country?" Iruka said, raising an eyebrow. "The Elemental countries?"

"... Is... Is that in Japan?" Naruto asked.

"What's Japan?" Iruka asked curiously. Naruto stared for a long moment.

"... Can I use your phone?" He asked, a bit more hesitantly. Iruka's brow creased in confusion.

"A... Phone?" He asked.

Naruto felt a pit grow in his stomach, as icy terror gripped him again. A shadow fell over him, and he looked up. His face paled at the sight of one of the wizards-The gray haired one with one of his eyes a freaky red.

"Maa, maa," he said, "let's just calm down and-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Naruto shrieked, and he immediately took off again. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

That got a lot of people staring. Iruka raised an eyebrow.

"... He's very fast," Iruka commented.

"Yes. He is," Kakashi said dryly.

* * *

Naruto had thought, like many young boys, that learning how to free run would have been awesome. Countless online videos and video games had shown that learning to move like Batman was the greatest thing in the world.

And many American boys found they just didn't have the stomach for the real thing. Or too much stomach, in many cases.

Fortunately, Naruto had a talent and a love of the sport, which had allowed him and his brother to make many awesome YouTube videos. Which is why he was thanking his lucky stars he'd kept at his practicing enough to leap to the top of the rooftops and take off like his life depended on it.

In this crazy place, it probably did. So Naruto scrambled, and leaped, and ran as fast as he could, trying to outpace the crazy wizards.

Though for all he knew, this entire place was ruled by wizards. Wizards who wore headbands with metal plates-Who did that?

At last though, Naruto came to a building that looked somewhat official-It was tall, with gates and guards. Maybe it was a local consulate, he didn't know. All he knew was that getting over the wall and begging for sanctuary was probably his best bet.

"Hey, stop right-!" A guard shouted, but Naruto didn't listen. He jumped off a trashcan, grabbed onto a beam sticking out of the wall of the place, and scrambled up and over the wall! He tumbled then, and lost his grip as he fell for the courtyard below.

"GAH! Shoulder should-FUCK!" He shouted, indeed slamming down on his shoulder and rolling but it hurt. It hurt even more when someone fell on top of him, and he groaned. A sharp pain erupted in his shoulder, like a hot spike was shoved into it.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow," he muttered. "Ow... Shoulder, owwww...!"

"O-Oh my..." A soft voice began, "are-are you all right?"

Naruto very slowly looked up. He blinked. A girl was staring down at him, with large pale eyes and dark black/bluish hair. She resembled those Asian models he saw his friend Julio obsessing over, just a lot younger. Dappled cheeks, soft lips, eyes the color of... Of...

"... Oh God I just knocked over a blind girl," Naruto mumbled. "I'm-I'm so sorry!" He reached up to push her off him, and help her up. She squeaked and flushed bright red. Naruto didn't look down, he just squeezed again. His face turned red as she let out another adorable squeak.

"... And now I'm groping a blind girl," he said, all too calmly. He was away from her, his back to the wall in an instant. "Please don't kill me! I'm sorry!" He begged. "I just got summoned by some evil wizards and I don't know where I am and this place looked safe and I really, really hope you have a phone! I'm sorry!"

The young girl, flushing deeply, took several deep breaths. Breaths that became less shallow when several tall men with long hair and similarly pale eyes appeared in front of him. Literally: There was nothing there one moment, and the next, bam! They were standing and glaring death at him. He shakily held his hands up.

"Um... H-Hi?" He said.

"Hinata-sama, was this brute harming you?" Asked one of the guards. Naruto frowned. Sama, sama... What does that... Who gets that honorific...?

"N-No! No," Hinata squeaked, shaking her head. "In... In fact, um..." She got up and slowly approached him, blushing hard. "Um... I hurt him... Accidentally," she said softly. She knelt down and smiled nervously at him. "Um... Y-You... Don't be scared. I-I won't hurt you," she said. "Here, let me..."

She reached out and tapped his shoulder. The sharp, throbbing pain that had been locking up his arm faded. He blinked rapidly, staring at his shoulder, then looking back at the flushing girl. He blushed himself.

"Uh... Thanks... How'd you do that?" He asked. "Are you like...?"

He looked at the long haired men, their stoic visages... And back to Hinata.

"Are you elves?" He asked. "Are you an elf..."

Sama... Designation for a lord or...

"Princess?" He asked, squeaking. Hinata blushed heavily.

"Um... N-No," she mumbled. "And you're welcome..."

"And we really should gather this boy up and take him somewhere safe," said a familiar voice. Naruto gulped, and looked up. There was that masked guy again, smiling with one eye. Naruto didn't consider himself too much of a coward, but in such a situation...

"SAVE ME PRINCESS!" He shouted, hugging the pale eyed girl again. "SAVE ME FROM THE BOY HUNGRY WIZARDS!"

Unseen by Naruto, the masked ninja's lips twitched. He could have captured the kid sooner-He was quick, true, but nothing compared to a former ANBU. Frankly though, it was just too amusing seeing him scramble.

As he helped the wailing boy up to his feet and kept him from escaping, Kakashi found himself hoping he would get his sensei's son as a pupil some day.

For the entertainment value, if nothing else.

* * *

As far as Naruto was concerned, he was screwed. Absolutely screwed. He had no idea what the hell these freaks wanted, where he was, or how he'd gotten here. All he knew was that he was now tied up and being carried like a sack of potatoes, by a masked weirdo who was humming. Humming happily.

"Look, whatever you want, I'm the wrong guy!" Naruto tried. "I don't know anything! Ask my teachers!"

"Hm?" The masked man glanced up at him. Naruto scowled.

"Or if you want anything out of me, it... It won't work! I won't betray my family, or my country, or anyone else!"

"That's good to know," the masked man said approvingly.

"If you want me as a hostage-I will be a lousy hostage! You won't get anything for me!" Naruto cried. "And whatever you want, you won't get it!"

"We just wanted you, actually," the man said. Naruto yelped.

"I DON'T SWING THAT WAY! FIND SOMEONE ELSE! FUCK YOU PERVERTS, I'LL NEVER DO WHAT YOU WANT!" He struggled more frantically. The man paused, as thought realizing something. He held Naruto out and blinked.

"... Ah," he said, nodding in understanding. "I'm sorry. You completely misunderstand what we want." He chuckled. "And you sound just like your mother, too. I had gotten used to tuning it out." He smiled and shrugged, and Naruto began to suspect the man was on drugs. Before he could call him a stoner though, his words hit his mind like a hammer.

"My-My mother?!" Naruto gasped. He scowled. "Hey! How do you know my mother?"

"I knew your father, as well," the man said. "I am Hatake Kakashi." He formed several symbols with his hands, and the world shifted. Naruto felt a breeze, and his surroundings were now that of an office. It was filled with old scrolls and books, like his grandfather's study. Windows looked out across the village, and the rich scent of incense filled the air. Naruto slowly looked over at the man behind the desk.

It was one of the wizards from before-The oldest looking one. He wore a white and red robe, and a wide red and white hat. He bore a scar across his cheek, and held a pipe in his hand. He rose, eyes widening.

"Kakashi! What the hell are you doing?" He demanded. "Untie him!"

"Sorry, Hokage-sama," Kakashi said, and he sounded sincerely sorry. He snapped his fingers, and the ropes fell away. Naruto was able to stay on his feet, and he stared up at the old man. He stared back, his face slackening. His eyes shined with unshed tears.

"Naruto... You look so much like your mother," he said. He reached out, a bit hesitantly. "You know, I never met you... I never got the chance. Until now. I'm Sarutobi Hiruzen. I'm the Third Hokage of Konohagakure-Your home. Your father was Minato Namikaze, the Fourth Hokage. Your mother was Kushina Uzumaki-Both proud shinobi of this village. They sent you to a far away home, to protect you from death. But they always wanted you to come back. To know your true home."

He smiled in a very grandfatherly way.

"Ummmm... Hi," Naruto said. He reached out and awkwardly took the old man's hand. He shook it. "Um... I'm Naruto Nelson. From Earth. And I have no idea what any of that means. At all." A beat. "In fact, I'm not entirely sure this isn't some kind of elaborate prank on me. Am I on TV right now?"

Sarutobi and Kakashi looked at one another. Sarutobi took a breath-

Smoke exploded from the nearby floor, and the last of the weird wizards from the summoning appeared atop a giant toad.

"BEHOLD, NARUTO UZUMAKI! I AM THE LEGENDARY TOAD SAGE OF KONOHA-THE GREATEST LOVER IN THE WORLD, THE SENSEI TO YOUR FATHER, AND YOUR BELOVED GODFATHER! GALLANT JIRAIYA, THE GUTSY NINJA!"

Naruto gaped in disbelief at the garishly dressed man, and the giant brightly colored toad. He looked back at Kakashi and Sarutobi.

"Oh God... Please. Please tell me this is some kind of prank... And there's a camera?"

"I'm afraid not, Naruto," said Sarutobi comfortingly. Jiraiya scowled.

"Oh come on! I WENT ALL OUT! At least be a little impressed!"

"NO!"

* * *

 _More to come..._


	3. Chapter 3

**An American Ninja in Konohagakure**

 **A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon**

 **Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**

* * *

The boy took the full story of his home, his parents and his lineage with surprising calm. He sat there, fidgeting only a little. His cup of tea was untouched. Frankly, Sarutobi wasn't surprised. Minato had made sure to send the boy somewhere he would be safe. Somewhere free of war, of conflict.

Frankly, from the items on the boy's person, the construction of his clothing, how well fed and tall he was... Wherever he had gone, he had turned out all right.

 _If only you could see him now, Minato_ , Sarutobi thought. He could see the expressions on both Kakashi and Jiraiya-They were staring at the boy like Minato and Kushina had returned in the flesh.

The boy though... he was so quiet. It didn't make any sense.

At long last, after Jiraiya finished relating the nature of the seal and the Kyuubi within him, Naruto finally set his tea cup down.

"Okay," Naruto began, taking a deep breath. "So you're saying that I'm from this world. Which isn't Earth, and has magic called... _Chakra_."

Sarutobi nodded. "Yes."

"Which lets you have superpowers," Naruto continued, with the tone of someone humoring the insane. Kakashi nodded with an eye smile.

"Yes."

"And my dad was the leader of this particular village of... Superpowered magic ninjas," Naruto went on, waving his hands. "And my mom was... Another ninja. And some jerk with a magic ninja eye thing let loose the demon fox from inside her the day I was born."

"Exactly," Sarutobi confirmed.

"And so they put the killer fox demon inside me," Naruto said, "but doing so, they died. And somehow, I was sent to Earth as a baby by the same ninja magic that sealed the giant fox into me."

"Exactly correct," Jiraiya said.

"Well... This... This is heavy," Naruto managed, his eyes suggesting some hidden meaning to the phrase. Sarutobi raised an eyebrow.

"It is? How?" He pointed at the still untouched teacup in Naruto's hands. "It isn't that massive."

Naruto began to laugh hollowly, and slowly dropped the tea cup. It shattered from the impact, the tea staining the carpeted floor. He stood up, and walked over to the nearby wall. He began to beat his head against it.

"Huh. He's taking this well," Kakashi said wryly.

"I know it sounds impossible, child," Jiraiya said. "But what else could the truth be?"

"That this is crazy and your world is crazy and _everything else is crazy_?!" Naruto gasped. "I mean... How the _hell_ am I supposed to take all this? You yanked me away from my home, and brought me here against my will-I mean, what the _hell_ do you _want_?!"

"We wanted to bring you back," Sarutobi said quietly. "We wanted... To bring you home." Sarutobi sighed. "Please understand Naruto. Your father... Your mother... They were family to us. Friends. You... You were our responsibility, after they died."

"We wanted to bring you home," Kakashi said. "Not to make you miserable."

"Besides," Jiraiya added, "truth is a precious commodity in our world. Wouldn't you feel better, knowing where you came from? Who you really are?"

"Who I am is Naruto Nelson! I'm from Earth! I live in Firestone, Colorado! My dad is Robert Nelson! My mom is Mary Nelson! I have an older brother named Nathan! A home on Lafayette street! A dog named _Einstein_! I'm not-I'm not supposed to be here! And I don't have a freaking demon in my stomach! THIS ISN'T REAL! _THIS ISN'T REAL!_ " He shouted, smashing a vase in his anger. He panted softly, feeling rage. Anger that burned like flame, flowing through his veins...

A mirror was held up in front of his eyes. He started-They had turned red, slitted like a cat's. Kakashi slowly lowered it, the moment the red receded. All three men stared at him. Naruto took deep breaths.

"... The Fox can rise when you are particularly agitated," Jiraiya said calmly. Naruto covered his face.

"Oh God... Oh God," he mumbled, taking further deep breaths. He struggled to calm himself, and Sarutobi allowed the boy his time. It was not something to take lightly, after all... Your entire world being turned upside down.

"I... Can I... I mean... Can I ever go home?" Naruto asked.

"I'm sorry, but-" Kakashi began, but Sarutobi held up a hand.

"The jutsu we used... Well, it required the chakra of the Kyuubi you contain," Sarutobi said. "Nobody else could go through it... Not without dying."

"But the portal is still there," Jiraiya said with a smile. "And energy has to go through it, right? Maybe we could set up a method of communication-"

"Energy? Like... Like radio waves?" Asked Naruto. Jiraiya nodded.

"Well yes-"

"You guys have radios? And-And computers?" Naruto asked. Kakashi nodded, raising an eyebrow.

"You have those? Yes. Getting one here will be a bit difficult-They're very large and cumbersome in our world-"

Naruto rummaged in his orange and blue jacket. He pulled out a small, plastic tablet with a smooth screen. He tapped it, and the screen came to life. Icons appeared. Naruto tapped a few buttons, and a strange screen appeared. He held it up, and the device flashed. He turned it around, showing the three shocked ninjas their self portrait.

"That answer your question?" Naruto asked with a grin.

* * *

The clearing where the portal stood was filled with activity. Ninja putting up walls, a few civilians working on setting up boxes of equipment. And in the center, Naruto sat with his phone. Like many a young man, he was hoping for a signal. Anything at all.

"Can you hear me now? No? Bad," he mumbled. He looked up at the sound of footsteps.

A tall man with the same pale eyes as Hinata approached, the ninja engineers parting for him. Naruto guessed he was somebody important. Sarutobi smiled at his appearance, and turned to greet him.

"Hiashi-san, wonderful to see you," Sarutobi said. The tall man inclined his head respectfully.

"Hokage-sama. I came as quickly as I could." He cast his lavender eyes on Naruto, one elegant eyebrow rising. "There was an intruder in the compound who bothered my heiress."

"Um... Sorry," Naruto said quickly. "I didn't know... I mean, I just here. I was trying to find some help, because these guys kidnapped me."

Hiashi's other eyebrow went up. Naruto held his hands up.

"She _really_ helped me! She was very kind to me! Especially to some guy who just fell on her... I didn't mean to do that!"

"You know, such an encounter might make you two engaged," Jiraiya said wryly, smirking a bit. Naruto yelped.

"What?! NO! _Hell_ no!" He shook his head. "I'm too young to get married, uh...!" At Hiashi's intense stare, he gulped. "I mean, not that I wouldn't want to get married to Hinata! She seems very nice, very helpful-!"

"Hokage-sama, why is this foreign child even here?" Hiashi asked. He wasn't even dignifying the bad joke, which helped Naruto calm down.

Sarutobi chuckled. "Hiashi, this Naruto... Uzumaki," he said significantly. The old man smirked. Hiashi's eyes rose. He looked more intently at Naruto, and the blonde boy fidgeted.

" _Byakugan_!" Veins bulged on the sides of his eyes, and his pupils became visible. Naruto started, stepping back.

"Uh... Are... Are you okay?" Naruto asked. "You've got bulging veins..."

"This is the Byakugan. The bloodline limit of the Hyuuga clan," Hiashi explained, as though speaking to an idiot. Which, Naruto imagined, he thought he did a lot. "It allows me to see in other frequencies of light, and see chak-" He stopped, and Naruto felt his gaze on his stomach. The blonde covered his groin.

"You have X-Ray vision?!" Naruto yelped. "Wow! Cool!"

"And you contain-" Hiashi began, but Sarutobi held a hand up. The Hyuuga clan leader took a deep breath.

"I understand, Hokage-sama," Hiashi said softly. He looked him over. "Obvious... In hindsight." He looked over at the portal, and nodded. "I trust this is where he has been?"

"Yes, it is," said Jiraiya. "We're working on a way for him to communicate. Can you see the wavelength of the radio wave from the phone?"

Hiashi studied the device. "Yes... It appears to be about three handwidths," he said. "And cycles a thousand times a second."

"Oh!" Said another ninja, this one wearing a lab coat. "That's simple!" He pulled out an antenna and adjusted it. Additional ninja worked on the device, turning it into a miniature transmitter tower. He bent another piece of metal towards the portal, and smiled. He gave a thumbs up to the Hokage.

"I think it should work, now," the ninja said with a smile. Sarutobi turned to Naruto.

"Well Naruto?"

Naruto hummed, and held his cell phone up to the antenna. He sucked in a breath... And a bar appeared.

"YES!" He cried, pumping his fist. He quickly dialed the home number. "Come on, come on..."

 _Ring... Ring..._

 _"Naruto?!"_

"Mom! Mom, it's me!" Naruto shouted. He grinned.

 _"Naruto! Where are you? Are you all right?"_

Naruto looked around at the ninja wizards around him. He sighed.

"That's... Complicated. Maybe we should try video phone? I don't think you'll believe me otherwise..."

* * *

It took the tech... Ninjas a while to figure everything out, but after Naruto patiently explained the signal and the tech guys on the other side of the portal threw in their input, a cathode tube-ray television set was set up, and linked to the video signal from the portal through the cellphone.

It was complicated jury rigging, and Naruto didn't understand most of it. But he took comfort that he could soon see the scared faces of his parents and older brother on the screen-As well as several personnel in suits, uniforms and labcoats in the background.

There was back and forth between the Hokage and the guys in suits, explaining some things about their worlds. It was all very general, and Naruto wondered for a time why they wouldn't get into specifics. It wasn't like... Well, he guessed it was basically first contact. Just not with bug eyed aliens-Just humans with superpowers.

Freaky superpowers that let them see through solid objects, and summon toads, and teleport, and-

Okay yeah, Naruto could understand why his planet would be terrified of this world.

By and by though, his mother and his father glared more and more death at people off screen. Until finally, Sarutobi noticed it, and cleared his throat.

"Well... Now that the basics are established," Sarutobi said, "I think we should let Naruto and his family reconnect-"

"Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Nathan!" Naruto cried, sliding in front of the hokage. His parents were able to see the bemused expression on the old man's face, which helped them relax a little.

 _"Thank God you're safe,"_ his mom-Mary, he identified for the ninjas-breathed, looking relieved. His father also relaxed, though not nearly as much. Nathan shot Naruto a smile, the kind of smile that he'd seen on his face when Naruto had been in for a dentist's appointment and he'd been scared.

"He is," Sarutobi said. "Please, let me assure you of this fact. The last thing we want is Naruto to be harmed." He rested his hands on Naruto's shoulders. He tensed a little, but the old man did genuinely seem to be kind. So it didn't last long. "He's..." He glanced around the crowded room. "Out please."

The tech nins, the guys in masks-Everybody aside from Kakashi and Jiraiya cleared out. Naruto gasped, and he heard a few in the background of the TV set. Yeah, ninjas were fast...

"He's the last link we have to a man named Minato Namikaze," Sarutobi said. "And Kushina Uzumaki... They were... Like family. To all of us."

Kakashi and Jiraiya nodded, suddenly stoic. It occurred to Naruto they might not want to share their feelings.

His mother scowled.

" _So he sent his only son to an unknown world?! A newborn baby with some kind of-of monster locked inside of him?!"_ Mary demanded. " _What kind of parent does that?!"_

"The kind who does not know who he can trust anymore," Kakashi spoke, his eye meeting Mary's evenly. "This village had become dangerous. The people who released the Kyuubi from his mother were... Well... In the village. But their line has been extinguished."

 _"So that justifies you kidnapping him?!"_ Mary demanded. Rob, his father, rested a hand on Mary's. Naruto's mother calmed a bit, but continued to match glares with Kakashi. Rob spoke now.

 _"We appreciate... That you'd want to bring him back,_ " Rob said. _"But he is our son. We raised him ourselves, we love him. And we want him back."_

"I would never think of denying Naruto his family," Sarutobi said earnestly, "please, believe me. But the power he contains..." He shook his head. "There is nothing on your world that could help you contain it. No one to help him train to control it. We can."

 _"By making him into a child soldier?! A weapon?!"_ Mary demanded. Jiraiya glared, looking offended.

"He is not a weapon! Minato never wanted that for his son!" Jiraiya growled. "And neither do we! But... The fact of the matter is, his power is incredible. Isn't it better to train him in how to use it, than to let it go unfulfilled?"

 _"Our son is not your soldier,"_ Rob said evenly. Sarutobi held up his hands.

"Please, everyone, calm," he said gently. He shook his head, and sighed. He removed his hat, and rubbed his balding head. "Understand, Mary-dono, Rob-dono... If I had my way, no ninja would ever kill. No ninja would ever need to. And we take great steps to prevent young ninja from getting involved in such missions." He rested his hat on his knee, his gaze old and weary.

"The majority of ninja active right now have known only rescue, aid and economic support missions," Sarutobi said. "They do not draw blood until they are eighteen-"

 _"I don't WANT my son to draw anyone's blood-!"_ Mary growled, but a squeeze of Rob's hand cut her off. His expression was just as stormy though.

 _"My son... Should not be forced into any situation like that,"_ Rob said. Sarutobi sighed.

"I understand that... But while he is here, his power needs to be trained." He sucked in a deep breath. "We are in a time of peace. And for the forseeable future, that will not change. I cannot promise eternal peace... But I can promise to keep him from such things if it is in my power to do so."

"And the fact is," Kakashi said evenly, "we can't send him back... Until he learns how to control it himself."

 _"... Naruto? What do you want?"_ Rob asked. Mary tensed, her eyes pleading with him.

Naruto looked at the old men, these ninja. They saw things in him he didn't know, things he couldn't know. And he looked back at his parents, his family-His home.

"... Mom, Dad... Nate," he began, "these people are nuts. No doubt about it... But..." He shrugged. "But I... I do want to know where I came from... And how to avoid this... This Kyuubi thing going _Alien_ on me."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. The older ninja didn't react.

"... And if I'm stuck here," Naruto continued, "I need to figure out how to not be unstuck here. Right? Besides..." He grinned. "I'm like... Superman! Or Neil Armstrong! Or... Or kind of both!"

 _"Or Star Lord,"_ Nate suggested. HIs parents glared at him, and he coughed. _"Sorry..."_

"And there's so much we can both learn from each other," Sarutobi went on. "Naruto... Is functionally an ambassador between our worlds."

 _"He's_ ten years old _,"_ Mary said softly. Naruto glared.

"I know I am mom... But... But they could have just lied, and kept me from talking to you, right?" He nodded. "I think... I think we should give them a chance. Both of us, ya know?"

Naruto then allowed himself a grin.

"Besides... I kind of want to learn how to breath fire. It's awesome!"

There was a lot of discussion, in and out of the camera's view. Naruto didn't catch most of it. He began to worry, and fidget. He hated seeing his mother so upset. He saw she was barely keeping herself from leaping through the portal to get him. His father... He was trusting him.

It felt good.

Finally, they turned back to the camera. Mary looked a little grim, but committed.

 _"He communicates with us, once a day,"_ Mary said. _"You tell us everything you're teaching him, and how you're doing it."_

Sarutobi nodded. "That is all absolutely reasonable," he said.

 _"And one day... You come back to us, Naruto,"_ Mary said. _"You promise?"_

Naruto smiled, and very slowly nodded.

"I promise..."

* * *

 _Maybe a bit rushed, I will admit. But there's a pace to this story I want to maintain. So, here it is: We come to the next time skip, to two years later._

 _But before then, there will be a few omake chapters detailing Naruto's Earth-bound life..._


	4. Chapter 4-Earthside Flashback

**An American Ninja in Konohagakure**

 **A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon**

 **Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**

 **First omake written by myself: Next one written by CV12Hornet on Spacebattles.**

* * *

 **The year 2010...**

Mary had been beside herself with worry about Naruto when he'd fallen from the roof of the house. Apparently he was trying to "do an awesome flip" onto the trampoline, but he'd missed. She'd driven him all the way to the hospital herself, speeding through red lights (after calling the police to inform them what she was doing, of course-She wasn't at that stage of panic). Apparently though, they'd had trouble examining him via traditional means. So they took him to the full body scanner, that Mary had comforted her son by saying "might give him superpowers".

The report from the two doctors there made her think she was being unintentionally serious...

"What do you mean, 'anomalies'?" Mary asked intently, her eyes a bit narrowed. She could see her boy in the examination room, fidgeting. He hated to sit still. The senior doctor, the family's GP named Ramirez, coughed and adjusted his glasses.

"Well, the scanner malfunctioned when we put him in-"

"What does that have to do with him?" Mary asked. Ramirez shook his head.

"I mean it malfunctioned. _Every_ time. It's fine in the upper thoracic area. And past the pelvis. Anytime we get to his abdomen from either direction? Bam. Everything fries. We've tried it, many times."

Mary frowned. "Well... What does that mean?"

"We don't know," the junior doctor said. "All we get is this... Frankly freaky distortion." He handed her a few print outs, and she sorted through them. She shuddered as the static resembled some long eared demonic thing-But why would it do that in _every_ picture?

"But he's... Otherwise, he's healthy, right?" Mary asked urgently, putting the papers down. The doctors nodded.

"The bits we can see? Yes," Ramirez said. The junior doctor snorted.

"Lady, the kid got a broken arm this morning and now he's almost completely healed. I'd say he's MORE than all right."

Mary covered her mouth in shock. Ramirez sighed, and pulled out some more printouts.

"I was hoping to go over all this later, but seeing how Gunther here blew that part," he said with a scowl. Gunther looked aside, a bit embarrassed. The senior doctor turned to Mary, and handed over some paperwork. She took it, and flipped through page after page of genetic and bloodwork results.

"I took the liberty of sending his bloodwork to the university lab last time we gave him a check up," Ramirez said. "He's a Type B positive, but there's all these weird proteins in there we've never seen before. And as far as genetics go? His haplogroup is completely unknown."

Mary blinked, trying to reconcile what she saw on the pages with her son. "... are you saying he's... what? Not human?"

Both doctors shook their heads.

"No! No, of course he's human!" Gunther said.

"No, goodness no," Ramirez added. "But he's got a really weird genetic structure. The DNA tests are giving us dozens of weird transposition mutations and deletions or substitutions that make no sense."

"And that means...?" Mary prompted flatly.

"They can't trace his lineage to any existing human population," Ramirez said. "It's like he came from a completely unknown, isolated human population... Removed by several generations."

Gunther's reaction was far more dramatic-He tossed some papers into the air. It seemed appropriate. "Point is! We know fuck-all about this kid. We would love for you to keep bringing him here so we can monitor his growth."

Mary scowled, tightening her grip on the papers. She'd been worried about this the moment Naruto had shown up in their lives... "You're not going to cart him off to some government lab, are you?"

Both doctors laughed. Ramirez extended his hand reassuringly to Mary, and she relaxed.

"You've been watching too much TV," Ramirez chuckled. "We just want to make sure he grows up healthy and doesn't have some sort of horrible genetic disorder waiting to spring on him because of these anomalous structures. Er... not that I want to alarm you."

"Of course," Mary said with a nod, feeling far less worried. She looked over at Naruto, still sitting under the scanner. She gave him a comforting smile, and he smiled back. Such a good boy.

"In that case," Mary said carefully, "how do we set this up?"

* * *

 **The year 2014...**

"Go Broncos! Broncos! Broncos!" yelled nine-year-old Naruto from the couch, clad in an orange and blue jersey about two sizes too big for him.

"Oh, this is going to be good," Nathan said. He was sitting to Naruto's left on the couch, munching on some potato chips. "Best offense versus best defense. Peyton Manning versus the Legion of Boom. And hopefully no power outages like last year."

In the kitchen, Mary shook her head indulgently as the boys glued themselves to the TV in anticipation of the kickoff. She never did get the appeal of that game, but it would keep the boys occupied for a few hours while she got a head start on her work. It was just too bad Rob wasn't here to watch with them.

"And the Broncos get the ball!" Nathan crowed. "Let's see what Manning can d- wait, did they just fumble the snap? OH SHI- uh, shoot, a safety!

"Oh no!" Naruto cried. "So they get two points? And the ball?"

"Uh, yeah. This is not a good start to this game."

* * *

By the end of the first quarter, Nathan no longer cared that he was swearing in front of his little brother.

"GODDAMMIT, MANNING, HOW DID YOU NOT SEE HIM?!"

"N-Nathan, the Broncos're gonna win, right?"

"I don't know, Naruto. I mean, it's only the first quarter, but Manning needs to step up his game if they're gonna have any chance."

* * *

"Come on, come on... no! When did Manning get replaced by Schaub?!" By this point Nathan was close to tearing his hair out. The Broncos had never been this far behind all season, and it was looking increasingly likely that they would not be closing the gap.

Naruto had by this point fallen off the couch and started an incoherent trantrum. Quite frankly, Nathan didn't blame him.

* * *

"Nathan, why did he kick it short?"

"Probably so the Seahawks don't get another big return. Ah, Harvin's got it. Harvin's running. Uh, can someone tackle him? Hey! Tackle the guy! Oh, goddammit!"

* * *

"That's... three..."

* * *

"We can't run, we can't pass, our defense has more holes than a Dutch dike in a French invasion, our special teams are special in all the wrong ways... Oh, hey, they scored."

* * *

Mary let out a pleased groan as she leaned back in her chair, arms above her head and her work finished. Looking at the clock, she decided that the game was probably over by now. Making her way to the living room she found, to her shock, a mess of couch cushions and potato chips scattered everywhere, with Naruto curled up in a fetal position on the floor.

"Oh my gosh! Naruto, are you alright?" she cried, running to her son's side. "What happened."

Naruto turned his head towards her, and the anguish nearly stopped her heart. "They lost, mom. They lost really bad," he intoned in a dull monotone, none of his usual cheer present.

"I-I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie." It occurred to her that the room was missing something. Or rather, someone. "Where's Nathan, sweetie?"

"He said he was going to get all his Broncos stuff and then burn it."

Mary's eyes widened, and she immediately sprinted out the back door. "Nathan, you better not be doing what I think you're doing!"


	5. Chapter 5

**An American Ninja in Konohagakure**

 **A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon**

 **Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**

* * *

 _Sometime later..._

Jiraiya had just finished explaining the some of the basics of time-space ninjutsu to the Earth Scientists. While not expecting much without chakra, Jiraiya had to admit that humans on the other end of the portal were quite technologically advanced in some fields, so a different perspective might help them in getting the portal opened up to people without Bijuu chakra. He was finishing up writing some notes in one of his many notebooks when he noticed he was no longer alone. Two cold eyes glared at him through the TV screen and even Jiraiya had to admit he wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this woman's wrath, civilian or not.

"Is there anything you needed Mary-san?" Jiraiya hoped it would be a simple request but noticing the narrowing of her eyes, the Toad Sage braced himself for the wrath of another woman.

"Is there anything I need? Yes. I need my son back. _Now._ You said earlier that you were looking for him but wasn't there _ANY_ way you could have checked to see if he had, I don't know, say a FAMILY taking care of him already or to see if there was a way you could have come here instead if you needed to see him so much?!"

Jiraiya held up his hands in a placating measure, "I have spent a long time going over that portal and there wasn't a way to see through. The portal, as we already said, could only be trans-versed by one with Bijuu chakra and there wasn't a way to get through t-"

"Well that's just great then." Mary's eyes flared with anger. "Too hard for you to figure it out. _'Oh well, we couldn't figure it out so we may as well pluck our weapon back through'_ not even giving a care if the portal would hurt him or that you would be taking my SON aw-"

 **"HE IS MY GOD SON!"** In that moment, Mary beheld her not the sight of an odd looking 'ninja' who had taken away Naruto, but the fury only whispered around the Elemental Nations of the Toad Sannin. Jiraiya, on the other hand, fought to control his anger as two eyes widened in fear behind the screen. "His...father was my student. I trained him from his early years and helped guide him to become a powerful ninja." Jiraiya tilted his head up, eyes' lost in memories past. "Then I watched him surpass everything I'd taught him to become one of the most powerful ninjas ever and take the seat of Hokage. I have never been prouder of anyone in my life when he came up to me the first time in his formal Kage robes and I bowed down to my student who had greatly surpassed me. I never had any children, but Minato...Minato was my son in all but blood."

Mary could only stare on in shock and a hint of understanding as she watched the man's face fall back down. She had only seen it be smirking or neutral the entire day but now it held a profound sadness. "When Minato told me he was naming me the Godfather of his kid, I swore I'd love the little gaki like family. I have many regrets in my life, but the greatest was not getting myself back to Konoha to be there for Naruto's birth. If I had just been there maybe..." Jiraiya shook his head as he trailed off, banishing the what ifs' as he knew it was futile going down that train of thought. He had enough first hand experience doing that.

Instead, he looked on with determination, "I've spent the last ten years looking over that portal and seal array, studying it from any angle I could and working to try and bring him back. I had no idea if he even survived the transition to wherever Minato sent him but I trusted my old student. He always had more than a few tricks up his sleeve for any situation." The old pervert chuckled a bit before giving a smile to the somber faced mother, "I am truly sorry that I took Naruto away from you but I absolutely had to make sure my Godson was ok. There was nothing else. I will say, however, that you have my thanks for taking the kid in and raising him so well. I haven't known him long, but I can tell that he was raised lovingly and right, and that is what I always hoped for."

Mary sniffed as she tried to keep her tears from falling, the events of the day taking nearly everything from her. "I...I can see that. I had always wondered if we wouldn't one day meet Naruto's biological family and I knew, I just knew there would be an exceptional reason behind how he came here. I was just...not prepared for all of this..." Mary lapsed silent for a few minutes, neither side of the televised portal speaking.

"I just want to hold my son again."

"I will make sure that one day you can."

* * *

Moving into Konoha was kind of strange. And the first day of ninja school? Stranger still.

Naruto didn't get a lot of the cultural aspects of the Elemental Countries. It was like feudal Japan, but it had magic ninja wizards. It didn't have a space program, but they had TVs and computers. And it had princesses, yet also phones?

Speaking of princesses... He'd noticed that Hinata ate her lunch alone every day. She'd do it nearby the other girls, sure, but she was almost always separated from them. So Naruto asked Kiba what was going on.

Kiba had a dog, and he was a lot more talkative than Sasuke. So he was a lot more fun to hang out with, in general.

"Oh, Hinata? Yeah, she's the heiress to the Hyuuga family," Kiba said. "They have a bloodline limit called Byakugan, that lets them see chakra and through solid objects."

"X-Ray vision? That's cool," Naruto said with a nod. "But, why is she by herself a lot?"

Kiba shrugged. "Eh, probably because she's the heiress, right? She doesn't know how to hang out with normal people."

"I dunno, she was kind of nice," Naruto said. "When I was in the compound."

"How did you get there?" Kiba snorted. Naruto shrugged.

"I went over the wall."

Kiba laughed. "Yeah right, jackass! Nobody can get over the Hyuuga wall!"

"I did," Naruto said flatly. Kiba rolled his eyes.

"No way!"

"Fine! I'll prove it," Naruto said. He got up from the lunch table and walked over to Hinata. The pale eyed girl blushed, and stared up at him.

"Ah... N-Naruto-kun-?"

"Hinata! I need you," Naruto said. He took Hinata and pulled her up. He led her over to Kiba, not noticing that numerous eyes were on them. He pulled Hinata up alongside and grinned. "Hinata! I totally got over the wall of the Hyuuga Compound, right?"

Hinata blushed deeply. "Um... Um... Y-Yes, yes, he did," she managed, squeaking at the end of her sentence. Kiba blinks.

"Really? He did? Huh! So he isn't just lying!" Kiba smirked. "By the way, you guys are still holding hands..."

"Yeah? So?" Naruto asked, though he quickly let go of Hinata's hand. The girl tapped her fingers together awkwardly, as Naruto smiled at her. "Thanks Hinata! You're the best!"

"I... I... Th-Thank... Thank you...!" She squeaked. She turned and ran away, still bright red. Naruto stared after her, and then looked over at Kiba.

"What's with her?"

"Man, I dunno. Girls are weird," Kiba said with a shrug.

* * *

 _"I think we have a problem here."_

Sarutobi sighed. While he was very glad that Naruto was raised by a loving and caring family, he was not a fan of constantly being told off by his adoptive mother. She had gone after him for allowing Naruto to learn to fight with kunai (which the boy had complained about, saying that the little knives had no reach), for not letting Naruto reveal his parentage (" _If you loved those two so much, then you should let the boy learn more about them!"_ ), even for having him bathe in an onsen ( _"He doesn't have any adult supervision. What if some pervert comes after him!?_ "). She had also gone out of her way to let him know that she thought he was a rather awful person ( _"Kidnapper", "Murderer", "Pervert"_ ).

"What is it now?" he sighed out, trying to contain his exasperation.

 _"I talked with Naruto today, after you let him play with those disks of death-"_

"They're called shuriken."

 _"They are pieces of metal that can cut open you jugular if they hit you wrong,"_ she growled, before continuing on, _"anyway, I asked what he was going to have for dinner tonight, and he told me that he was going to cook up some Ramen. Firstly, I told him that obviously he needed something with a bit more substance than that dorm food, and then asked why the guardian you gave him wasn't making him have a more balanced and healthy diet-"_

Sarutobi had a feeling in the pit of his stomach that he knew where this was going.

 _"And he told me that he didn't have a guardian. Are you nuts! Did you get dropped on your head! You sent a ten year old boy out to live in an apartment on his own with no one there to watch over him-"_

"I send someone to check on him ever-"

 _"I mean an_ actual _guardian. You know, someone to cook his food, tuck him in, make sure he's clean?"_

"...are you sure you are not coddling the boy?"

 _"I...I...I'm sorry,"_ Mary sighed. Sarutobi could tell that she was exhausted, staring down guiltily at the floor, "He's all on his own in a big world where people want him dead, and he doesn't have anyone from most of his life there to support him. I just wan...I just wish I could make sure that someone would be there to keep him happy, healthy and safe."

Sarutobi nodded. At times he forgot what it was like to be without the ability to protect your loved ones. After all, wasn't that exactly how he thought about his own grandson, Konohamaru. After a few moments, he sighed.

"How about I bring over a few of my most trusted ninja, and have them meet with you? I would make sure that they are all willing to take care of Naruto, and you could pick your favorite to take care of the boy."

Mary seemed to pick up at that, _"Yeah, that might work. Can we start this tomorrow?"_

"Yes Tomorrow would be a good place to start."

 _"But I must warn you..."_ Sarutobi said gravely, _"Ninjas with the appropriate levels of both skill and loyalty have a tendency to be..."_ He paused and sighed.

"What?" Mary asked, irritated at the man's pronouncement.

"Eccentric."

* * *

"I can raise him to be properly disciplined and very, very obedient."

Mary smiled politely, but looked skeptical as she asked, " _... And you said you worked in what department again?"_

"Torture and Interrogation." Morino Ibiki replied calmly.

 _"NEXT!"_

* * *

"IF HE WERE TO BE ENTRUSTED INTO MY CARE I CAN ASSURE YOU HE WILL BE BURSTING WITH YOUTH!"

* * *

The large man with patterns on his cheeks was eating from a bag of potato chips even as they talked, "If he were with us, he'd never miss a meal, that's for sure."

* * *

The man scratched at the back of his head and said in a slow drawl, "Meh, actually my wife's making me do this. It's kind of troublesome."

* * *

The blonde man looked thoughtful, "I mean I suppose raising a boy to be a proper husband for my little girl would be-"

* * *

The severe older man with the white eyes laughed heartily until he realized none of the people in the room with him were laughing. "Oh. You were serious."

 _"Exactly what is the problem?"_ Mary growled.

"I have young daughters," He replied. "I do not believe such an arrangement would be feasible. They are far too young to be exposed to men outside the family."

 _"He's ten!"_ Mary replied exasperated.

"And my daughters can see through solid objects."

 _"... oh."_

* * *

"I'm a clone of the first Hokage with the power to summon vast forests."

 _"None of which is relevant to supervising a small child."_ Mary pointed out.

The man looked very confused. "... I thought I was here for a mission?"

"That _is_ the mission," The Hokage said.

"Oh. Then I respectfully decline."

* * *

"Unfortunately, that appears to be everyone on the list." Sarutobi said, taking a puff from his pipe.

 _"I thought Mr. Teuchi was the best candidate."_

"He wasn't a candidate for consideration. He's a civilian and would lack the necessary skills to handle the care of even a half-trained Ninja like your son."

 _"Then why was he here?"_

"He wasn't here for an interview, he was delivering my lunch." The Hokage said, just a tiny bit peevishly.

 _"Oh. Sorry."_ She sighed, then looked speculative, _"You have had children, haven't you, Hokage-sama?"_

Sarutobi smiled a bit and shook his head. "I know what you are thinking, but it would be seen as inappropriate for me to take guardianship of a foreign child... Unless I was holding him as a hostage to ensure your cooperation."

 _"... Which is entirely different from our current situation."_ Mary said pointedly.

"Also I am an old man who has a lot of work to do. If he were put into my care... well, it would practically be the same as him living on his own

 _"I can't help but notice you didn't deny the hostage thing."_

"Moving right along, perhaps we're going about this the wrong way."

 _"Are you trying to do this deliberately so I won't have a choice but to have him live by himself?"_

"Of course not. I'm trying my best to accommodate your wishes, Mary, but these matters can be quite delicate. We may need a softer touch, perhaps." He let his voice trail off thoughtfully just as a puff of smoke appeared in his office and a woman appeared.

"Hokage-sama, I have finished my mission and I'm reporting in-"

Mary blinked in surprise, but realized that this was probably more of their ninja showmanship. He had to have been throwing the inappropriate options at her all day to soften her up for this one. _"Hello, there."_

Anko blinked in surprise at the monitor where the woman was, "Oh. Hello, ma'am." It didn't hurt to be polite, especially if it was as she suspected... she glanced to the Hokage.

"A potential client, Anko." The Hokage replied, confirming her suspicions.

"Ah, the one from Whirlpool!" Anko said brightly. She'd heard the interviews had been going on all day and the client had been quite picky. Whatever the mission was, it was obviously something critical and dangerous. Just to her tastes.

"Nothing to worry about." Sarutobi said, waving it aside, "Now, I'm sure you have other things to attend to-"

 _"And how do you feel about children, Miss Anko?"_ Mary asked, cutting the Hokage off.

Anko wondered what that had to do with the mission, but she shrugged and answered. "Usually a lot of responsibility. Have to watch them like a hawk or the little bug- er- beasts think they can get away with anything."

 _"And do you feel up to that kind of responsibility?"_ Mary asked pointedly.

Her tone set something off in Anko and she bristled. "Hey, I don't know what anyone else has told you, but I am perfectly capable of handling any responsibility!"

Prickly, Mary thought to herself. But she didn't seem to lack for energy _. "So, what are your hobbies?"_

"I do like the tea ceremony... um... wait, what's with all the questions." She finally paused and glanced over to the Hokage once more who was covering his face with a hand.

"Anko's not really an applica-" He tried to explain.

 _"She's also a ninja in good standing? And loyal?"_ Mary pressed.

Sarutobi glanced from Anko, who had a vaguely worried expression on her face, then to Mary. He sighed and replied, "Well, yes. Absolutely. She is _absolutely_ loyal to Konoha."

" _Next to the Teuchi-san, she's the best candidte you've presented me with so far."_ Mary said, smiling now.

Anko looked back and forth from the video display, then to her Hokage. She had no idea what was going on, but the mild praise had her preening.

Mary nodded. _"I've decided. She's got the job."_

Anko pumped her fist into the air and grinned savagely, "YES!" Then she paused, because one did not survive long in the Ninja world with insufficient information, "Wait, what job?"

 _"Guardian for my son... Naruto."_ Mary said.

Anko froze.

Mary blinked in surprise, _"... Hello?"_

"I think you might have broken her." Sarutobi said, lighting up a fresh pipe and wondering if he could send someone out to pick up some sake. He could certainly use it.

* * *

 _A few omakes arranged into something coherent. Just to get this train rolling again. Written with help from Scriviner, Melavio, and Amlawren3833._


	6. Chapter 6

**An American Ninja in Konohagakure**

 **A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon**

 **Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**

* * *

Roofhopping, Naruto decided, was absolutely boss. If anything else 'ninja', this was it. Just striding and leaping from roof to roof, backflipping over gaps between houses, and swinging from tree branches. Sliding down tree branches was pretty boss, too. He felt like Tarzan, in the Disney movie! Well, not as long of hair. He'd gotten his hair cut clean and short, at his father's suggestion. He supposed it made sense, but he didn't like how the Old Hokage and Jiraiya would sometimes rub his short buzz cut.

That was a little annoying. They probably just did it to piss him off.

"Hmm..." He saw a roof tops nearby, ones he hadn't jumped over. He grinned, and backed up. He ran as fast as he could, and leaped over the road to a nearby wall. He landed, gripping it tight, and vaulted up and over the wall. He grabbed onto the edge of the roof and flung himself up with his remaining momentum, and ran up over the roof. He slid down the other side, reaching out to grab a handhold to slow down.

Unfortunately, a roof tile broke and he slipped. With a yelp, he tumbled off the roof and landed on the ground.

"GAH!" He winced and sat up. "Ow, ow..." He looked over the deserted streets, not seeing a single soul. He scratched his cheek, frowning.

"Uh... Hello?" He called out. "Anyone?"

He stood up and saw a few symbols on the walls. It was a red and white... Paddle? He tilted his head.

"Huh," he said, shrugging. Well, he had liked sneaking into old and abandoned places. This looked like it hadn't been lived in, in a while. He proceeded through, walking around the deserted buildings. His steps brought him to a small house in a deserted row near the center. He didn't know what it was, but there was a feeling of unease in the air. Of sadness, and terror.

This chakra stuff was weird. Was he feeling his own feelings, or was he feeling what had been left behind? He didn't know. Hell, maybe there were really ghosts here. He didn't know-This world was nuts.

"What are you doing here?" A harsh voice asked. Naruto jumped, and turned around. A boy his age, and his height, with spiky black hair stood before him. He wore blue and white shorts, and some kind of arm warmers. He was glaring death with black eyes-Hardened eyes, like flint. In his hand was a package.

"Uh... I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I didn't know... I don't know my way around here." He shrugged. "At all. I'm a little lost. How do I get out of here?"

The boy pointed his thumb back over his shoulder. "That way," he said flatly. Naruto nodded.

"Thank you," he said, remembering his manners. The boy nodded again, just as curt. Naruto walked past him, and happened to glance backwards.

The same symbol he'd seen all over the district-It was sewn onto the back of the guy's shirt. He paused, and turned back. The blue clad boy stiffened.

"... What?" He asked sharply. Naruto blinked.

"You uh... Live here?" Naruto asked. "I mean, you have the same symbol on your shirt as the other-"

The boy spun around, glaring intensely in a mix of disbelief and anger.

"You don't know?" The boy asked. Naruto scowled.

"No! I don't! I haven't been here since I was a baby!" Naruto growled.

Some recognition lit up in the boy's eyes. He snorted.

"Oh. You're... The Uzumaki kid," he said flatly. "The one off in Whirlpool for ten years."

Naruto shrugged.

"That's what they call me," Naruto said. It had been Sarutobi's suggestion for Naruto to take his mother's surname while he was in Konoha. It would let him fit in better, so as to not have too many questions about where he'd been be asked. "And... Um..."

Naruto was sure he'd seen this kid around the ninja school, but given how hard he'd had to work to catch up he hadn't been making a lot of friends. Not that this kid looked like he wanted friends.

"Uchiha Sasuke," he replied. "This..." He glanced around the houses, his figure stiffening. "This was the Uchiha district. Where my family..."

Naruto frowned. "Your family... Oh. Oh!" Naruto grimaced. "Ohh... I... I'm sorry." He stared at the other boy. "You're... The last?"

Sasuke scowled, angry. "... I might as well be," he replied flatly. Naruto nodded. His father had said there were plenty of things people didn't want to talk about, and to let it go. Not to press on painful wounds.

"What happened?"

Naruto was also impulsive and kind of an idiot sometimes. Sasuke looked angry... But he sighed, still tense but not directed at Naruto himself. He was looking... Somewhere else.

"We... We were Konoha's strongest clan," Sasuke said shortly, wistfully. "The fire of the Leaf... And then... One of our own decided..." He shook his head. "... That man slaughtered them all... In one night."

Naruto cringed. "Oh God," he muttered. His eyes widened. "Oh... And you're paying respect to... Oh." Naruto nodded. "Ah... I can see why you'd be pissed that I'm here."

Sasuke glared, barely able to spare a nod. Naruto sighed.

"I... I'm sorry. I mean... My family's gone too. I mean, my biological one. My adopted one is... But it is hard, being... The last," he explained. Sasuke's eyes were still narrowed, but... His shoulders lost some of the tension. He returned a nod.

"... I see," Sasuke managed. Naruto rubbed the back of his head and headed off. He made it to the door of the compound, and stepped out into the street. He looked back at the Uchiha district, silent and suffocating. He cringed. He made to head off... But paused. He walked over to a smooth stone, and sat on it. He waited.

About an hour later, an extremely bored Naruto was thinking maybe he should just go, get some dinner... But he finally heard sandal treads. He stood up and looked over at Sasuke, who was walking out of the distinct. He immediately noticed the blonde boy, and stared.

"Why are you still here?" Sasuke asked. Naruto ignored the rudeness, and shrugged.

"Well... Um... I have money for dinner, and you looked like you could use a meal."

"I can pay for my own meals," the Uchiha boy said. Naruto sighed and nodded.

"Yeah... But wouldn't it be better to have one with someone else?" He asked. Sasuke stared at him. "I mean, at least we can talk about ninja school... Which would be cool, since I don't know much about it."

The boy continued to stare, and Naruto growled.

"If this is some kind of-" Sasuke tried, but the blonde lost patience.

"Look, you stupid bastard! I just want to eat with you because you look like you could use a friend!" Naruto said. "And I could use a friend! And I... Well, I don't know what's good to eat around here, so maybe we could eat? Together?"

Sasuke blinked. "... Did you really just ask me to eat with you while insulting me-?"

"Yes! I did!" Naruto growled. "You want me to do it again?! Asshole?!"

Sasuke blinked, several times. "No."

"No, you don't want to eat with me, or no you don't want me to insult you?" Naruto asked.

"No."

"THAT DOESN'T HELP!" Naruto shouted.

* * *

 _And so, a friendship is born... God help us all._


	7. Chapter 7

**An American Ninja in Konohagakure**

 **A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon**

 **Disclaimer:** **This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**

* * *

 _TWO YEARS LATER..._

* * *

"ARGH!" Naruto growled, glaring death at the poorly constructed clones lying around him. "This is _balls_!"

He dispelled the poorly made clones, and sat down to sulk a bit. The training field was fairly isolated-Hence why he'd chosen it. It was so few people could hear him cursing up a storm in English.

"Motherfucking pus spewing goat licking-!"

"My my, such language," a familiar voice spoke above him. He jumped, and looked up to see Kakashi sitting on a tree branch and reading some of his smut. "Whatever would your mother say?"

"She's said worse! ... And then punished me for saying it," Naruto admitted. He smiled up at his tutor, and friend of his parents. "Done with those missions then, Kakashi-sensei?"

"I am," Kakashi said. "And I wanted to check up on you. Still having trouble with the Bunshin, I see?"

"The stupid jutsu just fails every time!" Naruto growled. "I mean, I make really sickly looking ones but never ones that... Ya know... Live!" He kicked the ground. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong!"

"Hm... How are your other jutsus?" Kakashi asked, interested. Naruto formed the handseals for the Replacement Jutsu in record time, and he was replaced with a log. The log vanished again, Naruto taking its place. "Not bad. And Henge?"

Naruto formed a single handseal, and he poofed into a cloud of smoke. As it cleared, a beautiful blonde girl with an intense gaze, beautiful curves, and long legs appeared. And aside from radish-shaped earrings and whisker marks on her cheeks, she didn't wear a stitch of clothing.

"I call it, _Sexy Jutsu,_ " Naruto cooed. He poofed back into his regular form, and looked up at his tutor. "How was that, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Very good," Kakashi said, clearing his throat. "Um... Who did you base it on?"

"Only the sexiest actress ever, Evanna Lynch!" Naruto said with a happy smile. "Though for some reason, a lot of guys get nose bleeds or pass out when I do it. What's up with that?"

"You might have mastered an underlying genjutsu element," Kakashi said carefully, his facial expressions schooled to be as authoritative as possible. After all, his sensei's son had the potential to be very amusing. Even before he graduated. Best not to ruin the joke.

Besides, Mary Nelson would no doubt try to murder him through the portal. Again.

"Neat!" Naruto said with a grin. He then grumbled. "But that stupid freaking clone jutsu is still stupid impossible for me to stupid freaking do!"

"Hmm," Kakashi mused. He pulled up his headband, and Naruto blinked in confusion. He had a red eye? Is that why he wore a headband like a pirate eyepatch all the time? "Do it again, for me."

Naruto formed the handseals. He focused intently. "Bunshin no jutsu!"

Once again, he formed a few clones. And once again, they looked like they were dead, dying, or...

"Is that one... Overweight? What the hell?" Naruto asked in disbelief. "This jutsu is stupid!"

"Now now, it is very useful," Kakashi said patiently. "I think I know the problem. It isn't your technique, specifically..."

"Really?" Naruto asked brightly. Kakashi nodded.

"Yes, and I think I can work out-"

"Kakashi-senpai," a brown haired man appeared next to him. Naruto vaguely remembered him as one of the guys who had summoned him into Konoha, but he hadn't seen him in a while. The guy just didn't show up often. "The Hokage would like to see you."

"I'll be on my way after I've dealt with-" Kakashi tried, but Yamato interrupted his excuse.

"Orochimaru's lab. They found another," he whispered. Kakashi sighed, and looked down at Naruto apologetically.

"Sorry Naruto. We'll handle this later." He and Yamato vanished, leaving a pouting Naruto behind.

"Aw man... Hmm... Well, at least I know there is a solution..." The blonde rubbed his chin. "So I need to find someone to teach me about it. Someone who's very smart... And has plenty of free time... But where?"

* * *

The library, naturally, was Naruto's first stop. He looked around, trying to spy out someone he knew. A shock of pink hair greeted him from a nearby alcove, and he grinned.

"Hey Sakura!" He said cheerfully. The pink haired girl looked up, and held a finger up to her lips.

"Shhh!" She hissed. "This is a library, you idiot! Why are you so loud?"

"Oh, sorry," Naruto muttered, giving apologetic looks to the glaring staff. He turned back to the pink haired girl with a smile. "I was wondering if you could help me with something."

"Oh?" Sakura asked, raising an eyebrow. "What would that something be?"

"My clone jutsu. It is balls, and apparently it isn't my technique," Naruto said. "And since you're really smart, I was thinking you could help-"

"I have to finish my final papers for the upcoming exams Naruto, why exactly would I take time out to help you with that?" Sakura asked. Naruto sighed... And brightened.

"I can get you a pair of Sasuke's boxers."

Sakura stared at Naruto, her cheeks burning bright red. "Y-You... You... You can do that?" She whispered. Her eyes widened. "Oh please, tell me you're not-!"

"For the last time, no," Naruto growled. "We're not gay! What the hell is wrong with everyone, assuming that?"

"W-Well, he just doesn't open up to anyone else except for you!" Sakura said defensively. "And that time in sparring practice he fell on you and-"

"Okay, seriously, that's messed up," Naruto said, shaking his head. "I mean, getting teased for being gay, I get-Cause that's what friends do, mock eachother's masculinity without being serious about it."

"That... That's friendship?" Sakura asked in confusion. "Ugh! Boys!"

"But I'm not gay, and I don't think Sasuke is either," Naruto said.

Not if those looks he'd been given Ayame at the ramen stand were any indication. Or Suzume-sensei. Or Anko-nee-chan. But Naruto decided not to blow that secret to Sakura. Bros before hos, as Nate would say.

"I can just get you some of his underwear," Naruto said conversationally. "We have a deal or what?"

Sakura sighed. "Fine," she grumbled. "But it'll have to be after the team training exercise this week!"

Ah, right. His father had been irritated that they didn't train them to work in teams, Naruto recalled. And his mother had been especially irritated, and the Old Man had thought it was actually a good idea. He was just glad his parents were in another universe: Kana Hanagiri's parents, rich merchants, had insisted on a change in the academy menu and she was getting nothing but hell for it.

"Works for me, just leaves enough time for graduation," Naruto said with a grin. "And then you can sniff the boxers or hang them up in your shrine or whatever you girls do-"

"JERK!" Sakura snarled, punching Naruto hard enough to slam him into the floor. She flushed at the dirty looks she received from the library staff, and hid herself in the alcove out of embarrassment.

Naruto, for his part, was wondering how the hell he could block (and sometimes dodge) even Sasuke's blows but the pink haired girl nailed him every goddamned time. It was nuts! Maybe some kind of bloodline limit, given her hair...

Outside the library, he bumped into a villager pushing a cart. The blonde fell back, and the civilian hit the ground.

"Oof! Hey!"

"Oh! Sorry!" Naruto said. "Here, let me help you."

"I'm _fine,_ you'd probably tip me over again," the villager grumbled, but Naruto got him up anyway. He eyed Naruto with a scowl, as though he was perpetually grumpy. He probably was-Being a peasant in a ninja world sucked hard, Naruto imagined.

"What do you want for it, kid? A commendation?" Mocked a local villager. Naruto shrugged.

"Maybe," he said. The villager huffed, pushing his cart. "Hey, want some help with that?"

"Well, I-" He didn't give the villager a second chance to protest, instead pushing it ahead. The villager trailed behind him, sighing wryly.

"Just put it over there," he said. "The Kyuubi Festival's coming up."

"Eh? Oh..." Naruto stumbled a little. "I uh... I almost forgot."

"How could you forget, kid?" The villager snorted. "It's only the biggest event in this village! Come on!"

"Well, it's kind of my birthday," Naruto said, shrugging. The villager chuckled.

"Damn kid, you must be unlucky," he said. "Born on the same day that happened?"

"Yeah... Unlucky," Naruto agreed. He finished pushing the cart up, and the villager held his hands up.

"That's good, kid. Thanks," he said, his smile a bit more genuine. Naruto shrugged with a smile of his own.

"No problem," he said. He turned and ran off, skipping from roof to roof.

 _Right... My birthday,_ he thought. _October 10th_. It was weird how he had almost forgotten-He was so busy with ninja stuff, and schooling, he hadn't remembered! Weird...

Ah well... Birthday was a birthday, right?

* * *

The classroom was noisy and rambunctious as usual. Nothing Mizuki couldn't ignore. He'd taken the period so Iruka could go on a date. He was happy the guy had developed something of a social life. Having it be with Anko of all people... Well, even the Demon could work miracles, he supposed.

His eyes wandered, as his memories returned to that day... And days after it.

A terror that filled everyone... A fire that never went out... Two eyes, and nine tails wriggling in the blackened skies like snakes...

 _"Trust in me," said the traitor, "and you can have... Anything you want."_

 _"Anything you want..."_

"Sensei? Yo, Sensei? Hello?"

Mizuki started, and looked into the blue eyes of the demon child. He forced a gentle smile on his face.

"Hello Naruto, what is it?" He asked. Naruto sighed and held up his scroll.

"Well, my team assignment for this exercise is blank," he said. "Exactly why is that?"

Mizuki chuckled. "Well, for this exercise you're going to have a special assignment... As are the other members of your team."

"Who are they?" Naruto asked flatly. Sakura cleared her throat. Sasuke grunted behind him. Naruto sighed and turned around.

"Oh, _great_ ," he said flatly.

"Just meet me on the roof after class," Mizuki said with a smile. "Don't worry... It's going to be great."

* * *

It wasn't like Naruto hated his teammates-He didn't think it was in him to really hate anybody. Sakura did annoy the hell out of him though-She hit him a lot for no reason. He was basically the only one who got rises out of Sakura, which... Made them friends? He didn't know.

And of course, Sasuke could be kind of weird.

* * *

A sleepy Naruto padded into the bathroom. He jumped when he saw Sasuke sitting in the window.

"Dude! What the _fu_ -?!"

"Idiot. We had training practice today. You're late," Sasuke groused.

"... Ohhh... That was today, right," Naruto slowly nodded. At Sasuke's continuing scowl, he coughed. "Ah, sorry if I worried you-"

"I didn't worry," Sasuke stated flatly. "I just assumed you'd gotten your dumbass kidnapped or something. Be at the training ground in fifteen minutes." He leaped off. Naruto watched him go.

"D'aw, I think you made your boyfriend mad, Naru-kun~," crooned Anko. Naruto yelped and growled at her.

"HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!"

* * *

 _Seriously_ weird.

"I don't see why we got assigned to a team," Sakura said. She flushed deeply when she looked over at Sasuke. "I-I mean, getting assigned to your team is great, Sasuke-kun! But with _Naruto_ part of it? It doesn't make sense."

"What?" Naruto asked flatly. "I'm not good enough for the Uchiha club?"

"No," Sasuke said. Naruto smirked.

"Good to know," he replied. "Eastsiiide for life, yo!"

Sakura and Sasuke stared at him, and the gangsigns he'd just thrown. Naruto sighed.

"Nevermind."

They made it to the top of the stairwell, and walked onto the roof. They sat down, and Mizuki soon flipped up over the roof to smile at them all. Sakura smiled back brightly, Sasuke just brooded, and Naruto sighed and leaned forward.

Mizuki was an okay teacher, he guessed. He just seemed like he was only nice and cheerful because he was high. At least Suzume-sensei had the good decency to show what kept her going-A flask disguised as a tourniquet kit. Naruto had been to enough football games at Mile High Stadium to know what to look for.

"So!" Mizuki said, clapping his hands together, "I'm sure we all know each other, but why not introduce ourselves again?"

"I'm Haruno Sakura," the pink haired girl said cheerfully.

"Uchiha Sasuke," Sasuke replied, 'hn-ing' effectively.

"Naruto Uzumaki! ... I mean, Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto corrected quickly. Mizuki nodded.

"It's all right Naruto. I know you're still working on the language," he said. Naruto flushed, and scowled. He hated people babying him! It was so humiliating!

"Anyway," Mizuki began calmly, "the group training exercise is not only vital to your graduation, but also towards your future as ninjas. So you three will be working together on a special mock mission."

"But uh, why us Sensei?" Sakura asked. "I mean, Sasuke's the top of his class, after all, but Naruto-"

"Is just fine and will be an asset to the team," Mizuki said with a kindly smile. "As will you. Sometimes, you'll work with people you'd rather not. That's life."

"Tell me about it," Naruto muttered. Sakura scowled, and he shifted a bit further away. He was glad Sasuke was serving as his human shield. He'd have to get him something special for being such a bro. He even felt a little guilty for promising Sakura a pair of his boxers. Eh, he'd give her a pair of his. She couldn't be that obsessive a stalker she'd tell the difference, right?

"Now," Mizuki said, handing out scrolls. "The mock mission is due to begin tomorrow evening. You are to study these scrolls. No one else may know about your orders-Memorize them, and then burn the scrolls."

"Oh, cool! Just like a real mission!" Naruto said, perking up. That part was certainly cool. "Hey, will these messages self destruct?"

"Sorry Naruto, maybe next time," Mizuki laughed. "Now then! You three are dismissed. Study, meet at the assigned coordinates, plan your mission, and..." Here he grinned. "Good luck!"

"Thank you sensei!" Sakura said cheerfully. Sasuke echoed the phrase, though with far less energy and enthusiasm. Which was like saying the Sahara had slightly less water than the Pacific Ocean. Naruto just grinned, gave a salute, and jumped off the roof to head home. Mizuki was left on the roof, smiling softly.

"Yes... Good luck indeed," he murmured.

* * *

 _Continuing..._


	8. Chapter 8

**An American Ninja in Konohagakure**

 **A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon**

 **Disclaimer:** **This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**

* * *

Home was a small apartment in a colorful part of Konoha, and Naruto loved it. His room in it had a beautiful, wide window that looked out onto the Hokage monument itself. It was like having a front row seat to a national monument-Which, Naruto supposed, it was.

Still, he took a chance to sit down at his computer and watch the webcam link from home-To watch the sun dip behind the mountains. It was a familiar, comforting sight.

"Naruto?"

He started, and smiled when he saw the tired face of his father on the screen. "Hey Dad," he said. "How are you?"

He grunted, rubbing his temple. _"Bit tired,"_ he said. _"I went for a ride on Bishop. Your mother's happy the mares are taking an interest in him-Might be able to get some foals out of them."_

"That'd be nice," Naruto said with a nod. "Just don't do a C-section-That'd be weird."

 _"Heh. So what's up?"_ Rob asked with a smile. Naruto scratched the back of his head.

"I'm doing a mock mission," he said. He pulled out the scroll. "You know, basic spy ninja stuff-Read it, burn it, execute it."

 _"This a real ninja mission, or another prank on the ANBU locker room you wanted my advice on?"_ Rob asked, raising an eyebrow as he grinned. Naruto smiled back.

"No! It's the real thing, I swear," he said. He sighed. "Even if I still can't do the damn Clone Jutsu."

 _"Didn't Kakashi say he knew why?"_ Rob asked. Naruto grumbled.

"Yeah, but he got called away over business with this 'Orochimaru' guy," he said. "Big deal."

 _"Ah well... If you can't figure it out, Naruto, then my suggestion?"_ Rob said. Naruto smiled.

"Yeah?"

 _"Find a way to fake it,"_ Rob said. " _I mean, a clone's a clone, right?"_

"Sakura would say that's a gross oversimplification," Naruto said with a smirk.

 _"What, quoting the pink haired girl again? Is Hinata going to be tossed aside? You dog, you,"_ Rob teased. Naruto flushed.

"DAD! I do NOT like her like that!"

Rob chuckled. _"Just teasing... And hey. Regardless of what those dolts say, I know you can handle this."_

"Thanks Dad," Naruto said with a smile. Rob nodded.

 _"Now, get to work, and then sleep. No sense being tired when you execute the mission,"_ Rob said. _"You're too young to run on coffee and junk food."_

"Like you?"

 _"Go to sleep, son..."_

* * *

The meeting place was Ichiraku Ramen, a small shop on the outer ring of the market place. Naruto had been by there a few times, or seen it, but he'd always been too busy training to sit down and appreciate it. Even as he stepped into the stand, the smell reached out to him and filled his nostrils. A smell that beckoned, a smell that taunted and promised untold wonder and taste.

Not to mention the super hot sixteen year old girl working behind the counter, who graced him with a warm smile. "Hi! I'm Ayame! What's your name?"

"I… I'm Naruto," Naruto managed. Steam flew up from the fryers, and it blew Ayame's hair up. The clouds wreathed her like clouds in heaven, and she beamed like the sun. She held up a bowl, and giggled, a sound that reminded Naruto of bluebirds welcoming the new day.

"A name like that? And a new customer? Have a sample…" She winked. "On the house!"

He slowly sat down at the stool, and took the offering with reverence. He sniffed deeply, and his mouth watered. He took the chopsticks, and clumsily swirled some of the noodles up onto it. This… This smelled nothing like the prepackaged stuff he'd had sometimes before Anko-nee-san had taken up guardianship of him!

He took a bite… And groaned happily. It also tasted like nothing he'd had! For some reason, everything in the universe seemed to come together in that moment. Rich noodles, savory broth, delicious toppings… A commercial couldn't have done better to sell him on Ichiraku Ramen.

Naruto knew where he was, was good. And who was serving him, clearly must be an angel of the Lord. And He had not forgotten Naruto in this crazy world of magic wizard ninjas. He had been kind, and granted his follower a boon. A taste of heaven.

"How is it?" Ayame asked. Naruto looked up at her, eyes watering.

"It's… It's good," he breathed. "Really good."

The angel beamed at him. "Why thank you! It's hard to run the shop all by myself on this shift, but my dad's sick. I'm glad to know my work's still good."

Naruto grinned nervously, about to say something else to praise the food-

"You're late," Sasuke said flatly, shaking Naruto out of his reverie. He scowled at Sasuke, who was sitting on the furthest stool he could from Sakura. It hadn't worked out quite as he'd planned though-The rosette had trapped him against the side of the booth with open books and scrolls.

"Sorry, I had some trouble finding the place," Naruto apologized. He grinned up at Ayame. "Never again, though," he promised. The ramen girl laughed softly, and ruffled his hair. He blushed deeply.

"Aw… You're sweet," she said.

"He's also _working_ ," Sakura said, sounding annoyed. If Naruto had to guess, it was because Sasuke was also staring up at Ayame. Naruto scowled-The ramen angel was his!

"Oh… Oh! That Ninja team exercise, right?" Ayame asked. She nodded and winked. "I've got some work to do in the back anyway." She turned and vanished behind a curtain, leaving Naruto to groan and Sasuke to grunt… Though despondently for him.

"Now focus," Sakura said flatly. She pulled out a blank scroll and set it down on the counter, pushing aside the bowls of food they'd already consumed. "The target is in the Tower, in the Hokage's office." She turned to Naruto. "Naruto, you know the layout of the room. Sasuke will observe the guard rotations to figure out-"

"Midnight's the best time to strike," Naruto interrupted. "It's right in the middle of the guard shift. They'll be bored and inattentive."

He'd observed it a few times when his mom had called in the middle of the night over nightmares.

"Are you sure?" Sakura asked, biting her lower lip. "My parents might get upset-"

"Do you want to be a ninja, or a school girl?" Sasuke asked, more than a little annoyed. Sakura winced, and nodded.

"R-Right, Sasuke-kun. Um… I'll just tell them it's for the test." She scratched out some symbols in Kanji with a pen, which Naruto… Kind of knew. "What we're looking for is marked 'Forbidden Seals Scroll'."

"That sounds pretty melodramatic," Naruto observed, going back to his ramen. It wasn't quite as good without Ayame beaming down on him like the sun, but it was still spectacularly good. He almost didn't miss cheeseburgers or milkshakes for a few moments.

"Hn. Probably Mizuki-sensei's idea of a joke," Sasuke opined.

"In any case, we need to get in, grab the scroll, and get out," Sakura said with a nod. "So… Um… Sasuke-kun? Any ideas?"

"... We get in and get out," Sasuke said flatly. "Do we need more of a plan?"

A half-remembered Justice League episode hit Naruto's mind, and he shook his head. "Hey, every heist needs a good plan."

"'Heist'?" Sakura asked, unfamiliar with the English word. Naruto might have smacked himself.

"It means 'robbery', in uh… Whirlpoolese," he covered. He pulled the blank scroll over, and drew the layout of the Hokage's office. "Okay-We hit at midnight. We want to put this down to two, three minutes at most." He rubbed his chin. "Hey Sasuke! You've got fire jutsu, right?"

"Yes," Sasuke said flatly. Naruto beamed and nodded.

"Okay! You stay outside the tower and cover us. Anyone busts in, you set something on fire. Or someone."

"Um… Are you sure?" Sakura asked worriedly. "I mean, what if we get in trouble-?"

"The scroll did say 'by any means necessary, short of death,'" Sasuke reminded Sakura. The pink haired girl sighed and nodded.

"Oh, all right… Um… I will go in with Naruto to identify the scroll, and make sure it's the right one," she said. "Naruto can use smoke bombs and flash tags to cover our escape."

"What if the Hokage is working late? He has done that before," Sasuke said, glancing over at Naruto. The blonde smirked.

"Relax, I can play innocent," Naruto said cheerfully. "Like, uh… I'm on a date with Nerdy here! To show her the awesomeness of the Hokage Office!"

"Ugh! A date, with you?" Sakura groaned. "I'd _never_!"

"We're pretending, Sakura," Naruto said with a roll of his eyes, "like I'll be pretending as hard as I can to want to be on a date with you."

"Jackass!" Sakura growled, punching him. Naruto groaned, and rubbed his head.

"All that kung fu bullshit and I still can't dodge her! It's not fair," he whined. Sasuke smirked-He'd pay for that! But later.

Naruto shook his head clear of the pain. "Anyway, we drop the flashtags, you guys make Bunshin to jump in different directions, and then we take the long way to the rendezvous point."

"Why the long way?" Sasuke asked. Naruto grinned.

"Well, they'd expect us to take the most direct route out of Konoha, right? So we take the long way to throw them off!"

Sakura nodded. "Okay… We have a solid plan," she said, as though not quite believing it herself. She rolled up the scroll. "I say… Let's get ready!"

"Yeah! Go Team Venture!" Naruto hooted, throwing his hand up into the air over Sakura's head. Sasuke sighed, and raised his hand to hi-five Naruto back. Sakura blinked in confusion.

"What's-? Another Whirlpool thing?"

"Yes," Naruto said with a nod. "Sasuke likes it though."

"No I don't," Sasuke grunted. "I just did it so you wouldn't follow me around, begging me to 'not leave you hanging.'"

"It's bad karma! Or something," Naruto said.

* * *

The Hokage Tower was fairly quiet when the three academy students arrived. Naruto hummed and rubbed his chin as he looked around the area.

"Hmm... Hey Sasuke? Can you look through solid objects with those fancy eyes of yours?"

"No," Sasuke said flatly. "That's the Byakugan."

"And he doesn't have it anyway! Um... No offense Sasuke-kun," Sakura said worriedly. The Uchiha survivor snorted.

"Not yet," he growled. Naruto held his hands up.

"Okay, okay... I'm sorry. I just thought that you guys would have, I dunno, an Infrared Vision Jutsu."

"What?" Sasuke asked, blinking. Sakura too looked confused. Naruto sighed.

"Cavemen, I tell you. Absolute cavemen. I feel like Marty McFly," he muttered. "Anyway! Let's go!" He used the henge to provide camouflage. Sasuke and Sakura followed suit, and leaped off to the tower. They climbed up on small outcroppings and pits and grooves in the surface of the tower. Naruto was a little happy that he was able to stay ahead of Sasuke and Sakura-Okay, maybe it was petty, but he didn't care.

The balcony leading to the office was in easy reach, and Naruto and Sakura vaulted over the railing to the floor. Sasuke stayed perched on the railing, pressing his back against the outside of the wall to hide his profile. Naruto and Sakura walked in, taking her hand. Sakura scowled.

"What are you-?"

"I'm going to throw you at the Hokage if he pops in," Naruto said. Sakura gaped.

"You wouldn't!" She hissed, yanking her hand back. Naruto shrugged.

"I could say holding your hand gives me comfort."

"That'd be worse!" Sakura whispered. Naruto grinned.

"Good! Now... I think the forbidden stuff is around..." He walked up to a trunk, and opened it up. "Here. Maybe."

Sakura rolled her eyes and rummaged through the trunk full of scrolls. "Let's see... No, no, no," she muttered. "No... Oh! Here it is." She pulled out the large scroll with a grunt. "I mean, I think this is what we're looking for."

"Let me check," Naruto said, opening the scroll up. He scanned the page with a furrowed brow. Sakura scowled. "Hm! Hey! 'Forbidden Jutsu'! You're right!"

"Don't read it, idiot!" Sakura growled, smacking the back of his head.

"Ow! Why not?"

"We're on a mission! We're not supposed to read the scroll-That's what Mizuki-sensei said-!" Sakura protested, but Naruto glared.

"Oh come on! We're ninja! We're supposed to find out secrets and crap!"

"Not like this!" Sakura scolded, taking the scroll and attaching a cord to the ends. She slung it over his shoulders and scowled. "Now hang onto it, and let's get out of-"

The light turned on, and Naruto and Sakura spun around to see the Hokage standing in the doorway. Sarutobi looked surprised.

"Naruto? What are you-?" He asked. Naruto quickly grabbed Sakura's hand and grinned.

"Hey Old Man! Don't mind us-I mean, we're just on a date, ya know?" He grinned and winked. Sarutobi raised an eyebrow.

"To my office?" Sarutobi asked wryly.

"Wait, wha-" Sakura tried, but Naruto yanked the stupefied girl up to his side. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and nudged her.

"Well, you know... I wanted to impress her," he said. "She loves books and old scrolls, and I knew how to get into your office..." He grinned. "Ya know, youthful folly! There's a lot of stuff you'll do for a pretty girl!"

"Um... R-Right," Sakura said, blushing a bit heavily. "I... I'm impressed," she said, as convincingly as she could manage. Sarutobi stared for a moment, and smirked.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," he said. "Naruto? Good luck... And Miss... Haruno, right?"

Sakura nodded. Sarutobi beamed.

"Go easy on him, hm? He's a good kid... Albeit a bit of an idiot."

"Hey!" Naruto protested, the scroll sliding open as he leaned forward to glare, "don't cockblock me, Old Man! That's not fair!"

"Cockblock?" Sakura asked, blinking in confusion at the English word. The Hokage coughed, and looked askance... Before he spotted the scroll. His eyes widened.

"Naruto! What the hell are you doing with that?" Sarutobi gasped in shock. "It's forbidden!"

"Uhhh..." Naruto began. Sakura yanked out a smoke bomb, but Naruto was faster with his handseals. "Sexy Jutsu!"

POOF!

Sakura waved away the smoke, and her jaw dropped. A tall, voluptuous woman with long purple hair in a scandalous orange swimsuit appeared, leaning against the table. She shot the Hokage a sizzlingly hot stare, licking her lips and reaching up to run her hand down her throat and over a cross-shaped necklace that dangled between her large, full breasts. Sakura could even see water pouring down every inch of the woman's skin.

"Forbidden, Hokage-sama~?" She breathed in a vixen's voice. The Hokage stared, red faced... Before blood burst from his nostrils and he fell backwards. Naruto poofed out of his form, and blinked worriedly.

"Um... Is he going to be okay-?"

"SASUKE! DISTRACTION!" Sakura screamed. Sasuke, outside, nodded and fired off a few fireballs at the rooftops of the buildings at the base of the tower. Sakura threw down a smoke bomb, and grabbed Naruto's hand. They leaped out of the balcony, and Sasuke jumped after them.

"Holy crap! He's not dead, is he?" Naruto asked in concern.

"What could you possibly do to knock out the Hokage?" Sasuke asked in disbelief. "Sakura? He's lying, right-?"

"I'M SURE HE'S FINE!" Sakura yelled, blushing in outrage. She shook her head. "I cannot _believe_ that worked..."

"Still, hey, mission accomplished!" Naruto said cheerfully, as they took to the rooftops and trees at high speed along their escape route. "And hey! I've got a jutsu that can bring down a Kage! Score!"

"Seriously?" Sasuke asked. "I'm going to need to learn it."

"Oh sure, I'll show you how to-" Naruto began, but Sakura managed to strike them both in midair.

"NO YOU WON'T! And SHUT UP! We're escaping, you idiots!" Sakura seethed, cheeks still bright red.

"Owwww!"

* * *

 _I've decided to just go for it. All of it. With random flashbacks!_


	9. Chapter 9

**An American Ninja in Konohagakure**

 **A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon**

 **Disclaimer:** **This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**

* * *

The safehouse took an hour to get to, and the long journey was a bit exhausting. Sakura felt like she couldn't hop one more tree by the end of the journey, and glared enviously at the chipper Naruto.

"All right! In we go," he said, landing in front of the small, old looking house. He pulled the door open and looked around. "Yo! Mizuki-sensei?"

"He doesn't appear to be here yet," Sasuke said. Naruto walked into the dusty room, and rummaged in his pockets. He pulled out a flashlight, and shone it around the dusty, cobweb covered tables and chairs that inhabited the dark interior. Sakura made a face as Sasuke leaned against the door with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Ugh... Well, I guess they'd have students use an old safe house," Sakura commented. She wandered over to the nearest table and frowned at the stacks of beakers left behind by the former occupants. "Weird... What's all this junk?"

"Junk," Naruto said with a shrug, brushing some of the stuff out of the way and setting the scroll down. He opened it up, and grinned as he shined his flashlight on the passages. "Oh, cool! A Clone jutsu!"

"Naruto!" Sakura growled. "I told you-!"

"Look, I want to get extra credit here!" Naruto whined. "Shouldn't you be encouraging my academic aspirations?"

"Do you even know what that word means?" Sasuke asked flatly, raising an eyebrow. Naruto stuck his tongue out, and looked pleadingly at Sakura.

"Besides, I suck at the regular Clone jutsu! Come on, let me have this one?"

Sakura sighed, and rubbed her head. "I... It... Oh fine," she mumbled. "But I want a look at the scroll too! It has some interesting fuuinjutsu, I want to learn some... Uh, for my final project," she covered. Naruto grinned, and unfurled more of the scroll. Sakura walked up, and examined the instructions on the next jutsu. Sasuke wandered over, and watched them in a disinterested fashion.

"Not sure why you're getting a jutsu from a practice scroll, Weirdo," Sasuke said. "Why would they trust anything cool to us for a training mission?"

"I don't know, but this jutsu looks like it's awesome!" Naruto practically crowed. He practiced the handseals, and focused his chakra. "Nnngh... Gnngh...!"

"Oh stop it, you're doing it wrong," Sakura huffed, still examining the scroll's contents. This jutsu... It was very odd, very strange... What was wrong with it?

"Well, tell me how to do it properly then," Naruto responded maturely. "Brainiac."

Sakura hit him for that, but when he got back up she sighed.

"You don't just throw all your chakra into it! I can feel it activate from here, what you're wasting" she admonished. "Try a little less chakra, you won't burn so much away!"

"Less...? So I should use more control?" Naruto asked. Sakura nodded.

"Yes!"

"... How do I do that?" Naruto asked. Sakura groaned, and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"You... Haven't you been paying attention?!"

"I've been catching up on... Stuff I missed in Whirlpool," Naruto explained, sighing. "Sides... I... Wanted to get this done for my birthday, ya know?"

"Huh?" Sakura asked, blinking. "Your birthday is...?"

"October 10th," Naruto replied. Sakura blinked several times, staring at the boy in front of her. Something wasn't right, something... Nagged at her.

"Born on the eve of the Kyuubi Festival," Sasuke said. "There are worse birthdays to have."

"Yeah," Naruto sighed. He looked back at the scroll and resumed his practice of the handseals. "It's just such a bummer... My family not... Being here."

Sasuke very slowly nodded. Sakura worried her lower lip.

"... So let's learn some jutsus that let us blow stuff up real good for it," Sasuke decided. Naruto grinned.

"Really?!"

Sasuke snorted, and unfurled more of the scroll. "I'm not doing it for you," Sasuke retorted, "but as an Uchiha, I must be the best. It's only natural."

"Whatever man, you want to meet to blow up stuff in your backyard?" Naruto asked happily. Sasuke shrugged, as Sakura looked aghast.

"Sure," he grunted.

"I can't believe I... It... Urgh," Sakura groaned angrily. Naruto looked over at Sakura in disbelief.

"What's your problem-?"

"Nothing!" Sakura growled. "Work on your jutsu!"

Sasuke hummed, and scratched his chin as he read the kanji for another jutsu. "Edo... Tensei?"

"Edo Tensei? What's that?" Naruto asked, as Sakura's jaw dropped. Sasuke shrugged.

"Impure World Resurrection...? It's a jutsu that lets you raise the dead."

"Woah, cool! Zombies!" Naruto enthused. "I didn't know you could do that!"

"Wh-Why is that on this scroll?!" Sakura gasped. "It shouldn't be on this scroll... None of these should be..." She stopped, and took a deep breath.

"... Naruto... Sasuke... W-We should go back. Back to the Hokage's office," she said quickly. "Bring this right back. This isn't right!"

"Isn't right?" Naruto asked. "Why? It's just bringing a big scroll of super powerful and forbidden techniques to an out of the way place after being told to keep it a secret from every... Body..." Naruto's eyes widened, as did Sasuke's. "Okay, maybe just to be safe we should head back," he said, rolling the scroll back up.

"Ah, my beloved students," spoke a familiar voice. All three kids turned to see Mizuki standing there, grinning broadly. "So good to see you accomplished your mission! Passing marks, all around!"

"Mizuki-sensei, uh..." Naruto coughed, as Sasuke and Sakura stiffened. He managed a grin. "Um... Yep! We did you proud! Got you the... The scroll... So! Why don't we head back out for ice cream? To... To celebrate our success?"

"I'm sorry Naruto," Mizuki said with a smile that was growing falser by the moment, "no ice cream for you."

"... How long have you been the-?" Naruto began, but Mizuki pulled a hidden lever in the door jamb. The floor dropped out from underneath Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto's feet, and they screamed as they fell down a trap tunnel. Mizuki smirked, and yanked the lever back up.

"Long enough..."

* * *

 _It had felt like a stupid question, though Naruto wasn't sure why. He had become old enough to ask real questions, and get answers. His father had treated them all like serious questions, even the ones about his imaginary Cat named Underwear. He wouldn't understand until later, much later, that his father had been laughing at a lot of them after he left._

 _This one he didn't laugh at._

 _"Daddy... Why do you do what you do?"_

 _He'd seen a news report about bombing missions in Iraq. He knew his father flew planes. He'd seen people hurt and injured-Crying faces. He was looking up at his father, feeling a little betrayed and not sure why._

 _His father looked back at him, and gave him a sad smile. He reached out and pulled Naruto into his lap. "Why do I fly? Or why do I... Drop bombs?"_

 _Naruto nodded. His father sighed._

 _"... You remember that saying? With great power, comes great responsibility?" He asked. Naruto nodded._

 _"Spider-Man," he identified. His father smiled, almost looking sad and Naruto didn't know why._

 _"Well... All superheroes... Everybody with power, really... Have to be responsible with it. Because the more power you have, the more... The more people you can hurt. The more lives you can ruin, even if you don't mean to. I want to stop bad guys... Stop them from hurting people, ruining lives, with my power..." His father let out a long, sad breath. "Sometimes innocent people get hurt... You hurt people, like the villains would."_

 _"Does... Does that mean you're a villain?" Naruto asked. His father laughed softly._

 _"Sometimes... Sometimes, I ask myself that question," he admitted. Naruto was confused. His father rubbed the top of his blonde head. "It all depends on whether or not most of your actions did good. If most of them didn't hurt people. Sometimes you can control that, sometimes you can't... But you need to question yourself. To ask if what you're doing is right. And if it isn't, change it."_

 _He gave Naruto a serious look, one burned into his mind. "That's the difference between a hero, and a-"_

"Wake up, demon," hissed an unfortunately familiar voice. Naruto started, and tried to move-His arms and feet didn't cooperate. He was lying on something cold and metallic. He opened his eyes and the leering face of Mizuki dominated his vision. He breathed hard, and looked around.

This place... Wherever it was, looked slightly better kept than the dusty safehouse. But it was infinitely worse for the simple reason that it seemed to be a lab of some kind. Examination tables, carts of instruments, dark blood stains on the walls... His teammates also tied to tables nearby, propped up like in Frankenstein movies.

"Sakura! Sasuke!" Naruto shouted. He was rewarded with the girl and boy stirring. He looked up and glared at Mizuki. "What the hell did you do?!"

"Me? Nothing. The tunnel has anesthetic gas dispensers to knock out intruders," Mizuki said with a sickly smile. "Orochimaru-sama designed it that way... After all, specimens shouldn't die until they need to."

"Sp-Specimens?!" Sakura gasped. " _Orochimaru_?!"

"You had us steal the scroll... For that lunatic?" Sasuke growled. Mizuki laughed.

"Oh my, yes," he said, cradling the Forbidden Scroll under his arm. "He's still got friends here... And he rewards initiative. With this, I'll become a jounin, _easily..."  
_  
"So... Uh... Why not just take your scroll and go?" Naruto asked. "I mean, come on! You've got what you wanted... Right?" He managed a nervous smile, trying reason. It worked in hostage negotiation, right?

Mizuki grinned, his eyes narrowing. "Oh yes... I do... Though, a simple scroll of Forbidden Jutsu... That's all well and good." He chuckled, and looked over at Sasuke. He walked over to Sasuke, and patted his head. Sasuke glared death. "But the last Uchiha... The Sharingan, at his command? That will make me a _prince_ in his eyes."

Sasuke snarled, his eyes boring into the traitor's face. Mizuki chuckled, almost good naturedly.

He walked over to Sakura, shaking his head sadly. The pink haired girl stared in horror and anger.

"I'm terribly sorry you got caught up in this, but then," Mizuki smirked and patted her cheek gently, "I _did_ need a third-OW! Bitch!"

Sakura bit him hard, growling. Mizuki smacked her across the face, and Sasuke and Naruto struggled against their bonds. She spat up some blood, and glared at him hatefully. Mizuki snorted, cradling his bloody finger.

"But he could always use _another_ test subject," he hissed. "I hope you die _slowly."  
_  
He wandered back to Naruto's table, bandaging himself. He smirked down at Naruto, as the blonde seethed and tried to pulled himself free. His bonds weren't giving!

"You though... Oh, I have waited for the longest time for this," Mizuki said, raising a kunai up. "Demon..."

"What? What did Naruto do?!" Sakura shouted. "And for that matter, what did _I_ do?!"

"Sakura!" Sasuke cried out in shock. Sakura yelped.

"I-It came out wrong! I mean, what's your deal with him?" Sakura asked quickly. Mizuki paused, and then shrugged.

"If you must know," Mizuki said with a smirk, "he killed my parents. Twelve years ago... This night." He finished with an insane glare. Naruto stared, a sinking feeling in his gut. A fire within him stirred...

 _The Kyuubi... He... It killed... His parents...?  
_  
"I... I'm not him! I didn't-I'm sorry-!" Naruto tried, but Mizuki snorted.

"Sealing that demon into human form... Letting it _run around,_ letting it have free reign like a _child,"_ he snarled. He tightened his grip on the kunai. " _That's_ when I realized how this worked... How it all worked." Mizuki chuckled. "So maybe it is a bit selfish... But then? That's the _real_ ninja way." He lifted up the kunai. "The real-"

 _BANG!_ Naruto looked up in shock-Smoke was burning from one of Sakura's restraints. Her arm was free, and her hand yanked on Sasuke's restraint strap. It came loose, loose enough for Sasuke to grab a kunai from his still present pouch and _throw_ it at Mizuki. The silver haired traitor dodged, the blade taking a few hairs from his head. Mizuki crossed the distance, his hands going around both of Naruto's friends' throats.

Red rage filled him. Hatred and anger and a need... A desperate desire filled Naruto...

 _No... No, no...!_ He pulled at his bonds, harder, _harder...!_

"I guess you want to die _first,_ huh?" Mizuki snarled, as the Academy students beat on him ineffectually. They struggled to breath.

 _NO! NO! DAMNIT... I... SOMETHING! SOMETHING HELP ME! HELP ME **NOW! LET ME SAVE THEM! NOW!**_

"Making your own exploding seal from your blood? Smart girl, smart," Mizuki hissed, as the frantic struggles got fainter. "Not _smart_ enou..."

A snarl filled the air. Mizuki turned, face ashen. That fear, that _terror_ filled the air. Just as it had...

A fist caught him in the jaw, flinging him up to the ceiling. He smacked into it, and fell down in pain. His eyes met the furious gaze of the blonde, just before his haymaker met the side of his face. Mizuki flew into a cabinet, smashing into it. Sprawled and shocked, Mizuki slowly looked up.

Naruto, his aura flaring red and orange, his eyes burning and his teeth sharp, turned from him and ripped the bindings off his friends. They looked shocked and dismayed, but when the blonde turned to face the traitor, they hopped down and stood beside him without hesitation. Naruto clenched his fist, as Mizuki gaped.

This was the time where the hero would say something epic, dramatic and awesome. Maybe even eloquent.

" **Let's beat the shit out of him!"** Naruto bellowed, charging with Sakura and Sasuke alongside.

Well... He could always say he said something else after.

* * *

Sasuke was the top of the class in terms of taijutsu, and it showed-Thanks to the hits Naruto had gotten in, Mizuki was unable to block his kicks and hits. Naruto was still blazing away with the Kyuubi's chakra, and that paralyzing fear kept him from retaliating. Sakura though was hanging back, after getting in a kick or two. There simply wasn't room for her to get much else in with how Sasuke and Naruto were beating on the traitor.

But he was still a chuunin, and he seized on the nearest mass he could switch himself out with.

With a poof of smoke, Naruto, Sasuke were left beating the hell out of an old chair. They swung around, Naruto growling loudly. Mizuki was still standing, smirking with his arm around Sakura's neck. He panted dangerously, his kunai poking into Sakura's neck. The pink haired girl's eyes were wide, and she gripped Mizuki's arms as she tried to get free. Her hands beat on him all over, but the chuunin wouldn't budge.

"That's-That's enough of that!" Mizuki snarled. "Demon showed his true colors-Big fucking deal! But if you want the girl to live, well, you surrender to me!"

Sasuke blinked. "Wait... You're taking her hostage when you already said Naruto is the Kyuubi?" The Uchiha scion pointed out. Mizuki growled.

"Yeah?! So?!"

"I don't even like her! You're relying on my good nature to save yourself, even though I'm supposed to be a demon!" Naruto snarled, his eyes still burning red. "You are an _asshole!"_

"Don't

like me?!" Sakura managed, her anger overcoming her fear. "Wh-What do you mean you _don't_ like me?!"

"You're always hitting me and you're kind of judgemental," Naruto pointed out. Sakura glared.

"It's because you're an idiot and because you _keep taking up all of Sasuke's time!"_ She growled. Sasuke blinked.

"That's why?" Sasuke asked. "You're jealous of him? I keep saying we're not gay-"

"No you don't!" Naruto growled, exasperated. "You just kind of stoically glare and say _nothing!_ That makes it worse!"

"Well you loudly screaming that you're _not_ gay doesn't help either, does it?" Sasuke pointed out. Naruto threw his hands up in the air.

"What the hell else do you expect me to do?! I'm not saying I _am_ gay, I'm _not!"  
_  
Mizuki's jaw dropped in disbelief at this admittedly ridiculous exchange. "I... It... Wha-?" Sakura stomped on his foot. "OW!" He snarled and dug the kunai deeper into Sakura's neck, making her cry out. "Stop that, you bitch! Or I'll kill you!"

"If you kill her, you don't have a hostage anymore," Sasuke pointed out, eyes narrowed. Naruto nodded.

"And if you kill her... I swear by my pretty little bonnet, I will **end you,"** he snarled, the Kyuubi's chakra flaring. Mizuki's legs shook, but he forced a laugh.

"S-So what?! Sound ninja are on their way! In a few minutes, you'll be a couple of runts against them!" He grinned. "Here's the thing... Let me go, and I might be persuaded to let her _live."_ He smirked. "And if the bitch stops struggling, maybe I'll let her little boyfriend and the demon go without telling the Sound Ninja to murder them! Hm? Fair deal, all around!"

Sakura grit her teeth. She was crying, the sudden realization that this lone chuunin was going to have back up soon shutting her up. She was breathing hard, fearful. She looked over at Sasuke and Naruto, not sure what to say. Naruto considered. Sasuke remained focused. The two looked at each other, as though communicating silently. Naruto even waved his hands around, as he often did while talking. Strangely though, Sasuke was doing the same thing-Often covering Naruto's hands up from view. Naruto looked back at Mizuki, his eyes narrowed. Sasuke rubbed his wrist significantly, leaving Sakura puzzled... Until she realized it was the same one she had freed.

With the explosive note she'd improvised... She felt blood in her fingers, and she struggled a little more, her hands gripping Mizuki's forearm. She tensed, ready to move...

"There's a saying back home, where I'm from," Naruto began. "You never leave a man behind." He looked back at Sasuke, who slowly nodded. "Even if she is annoying... She tried to save me." The blonde grinned. "So we're going to save her."

Sasuke nodded stoically, and assumed a fighting pose. Sakura's heart beat a bit faster, and she blushed as Naruto did the same. Mizuki snorted.

"Fine then. You brought this on yourself, demon," he sneered, raising his kunai to slash across her throat. Sakura's heart skipped, but she kept her eyes on Naruto and Sasuke in that infinitely long moment.

A pair of orange covered arms came around her from the side, and Mizuki squawked as another pair siezed him around the throat. Sakura broke the chuunin's grip and sprang away, stumbling to get over to Naruto and Sasuke. She turned and gaped-Three other Narutos were struggling with the traitor. Clones?!

"Sasuke! Do it!" Naruto shouted, grabbing Sakura and pulling her behind an upturned table. Sasuke smirked, finished the hand seals-

" _Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu!"_ Sasuke bellowed. Mizuki had just enough time to look up and gape as the fireball slammed into him. Sasuke got behind the upturned table just as the fireball exploded, and all three academy students clustered together as the small lab was filled with a gigantic explosion that shattered glass and ruptured cabinets. Naruto was kind of amazed he could still hear after that blast-He chalked it up to the chakra, as he peered over the table at the fiery conflagration that was the lab.

"Um... I think we should go," Naruto said quickly. Sasuke nodded, as did Sakura. Naruto managed to spot Mizuki among the burning wreckage-He was burnt and unconscious, but even from here he could see he was still breathing. "And drag him with us."

"Why?" Sasuke growled, and despite herself Sakura nodded in agreement. Naruto shrugged.

"Batman doesn't kill. Neither do I," he said. "Besides! He's gotta confess to his crimes, or we'll be in _real_ trouble."

"Oh," Sakura said, and then nodded. "Right. Let's get him out of here then."

* * *

It didn't take too long for ANBU to find the three dirty, soot covered academy students and their unconscious, pale haired captive. A few applications of Shunshin and they were back at the Hokage's office. Said Hokage gave them a wry expression, his eyebrow raised. There was a slightly tense silence for a few moments-Naruto wasn't sure how long.

"So... Who would like to go first?" Sarutobi asked.

"Um... We came, we saw, we kicked his ass?" Naruto offered. Sarutobi's lip twitched, and Naruto winced. "Please don't tell my mom."

"I won't," Sarutobi agreed, "but the fact remains you did fall for an obvious deception."

"Obvious?!" Sakura blurted out. "How were we supposed to know?! I mean, he was a chuunin! We're his students! We need to trust him!"

"On the other hand, us falling for his trick led to his exposure as one of Orochimaru's agents," Sasuke pointed out. "Almost as though we knew his intentions all along."

"Uh... Yeah!" Naruto said, nodding quickly. "Yeah! We totally knew it from the start! We just played along!"

"Wha-No we didn't!" Sakura said, outraged. "We didn't know anything about-Mmph!"

Naruto and Sasuke covered her mouth. The blond grinned.

"Yeah! We knew all along, but didn't give the game away because we're awesome ninjas! And totally deserve to pass our exams!"

Sasuke nodded. Sarutobi chuckled softly.

"Well then... In light of this, I'd say all three of you have proven the potential to be great ninja... Work on covering your incompetence next time."

"That's what experience is for," Naruto pointed out. Sarutobi chuckled. He pulled out three forehead protectors from his desk, and slid them across. Naruto grinned and took his happily.

"Oh, so cool!" He enthused. "Does it give me any enhanced abilities? Is it lined with kevlar to protect my head from bullets-I mean, kunai?"

"It is a symbol of your worthiness to protect Konoha, and to carry out missions to aid your home village," Sarutobi said with a proud smile. "Just like your mother and father before you."

"... Sooo, it doesn't have any special abilities?" Naruto asked. Sakura and Sasuke elbowed him. "Urk! I mean... Thank you Old Man! You're so awesome!" He grinned.

"Yes, and your parents will be especially proud," Sarutobi said with a nod. "When you tell them."

Which would save Sarutobi from having to tell them. He was arranging to be very, very busy for the next few days.

"Awesome!" Naruto enthused.

"Now... Let's start from the beginning," Sarutobi said.

An hour later, Sarutobi was looking ashen faced.

"So uh, he basically said he wanted to get revenge because..." Naruto trailed off. He patted his stomach. "You know... That... Thing-"

"Because the idiot has the Kyuubi sealed inside him," said Sasuke flatly. Sakura nodded. Sarutobi gaped.

"Y-You-?"

"Yeah, they know," Naruto said, not looking at them. The young man was grim and anxious. "And uh... Well..."

Sakura sighed. She punched him. "Idiot! Why would we believe that asshole over you?"

Sasuke shook his head. "You're still a dumbass, and not a demonic monster that could kill us all."

"You guys are assholes," Naruto said, but he managed a real grin at them. And Sarutobi found himself relaxing a bit. He smiled warmly.

"Good... Now... Go home," Sarutobi said. "I believe Miss Haruno still has a final project to finish?"

"Does she really need to, given she's already-MMPH!" Naruto got his mouth covered by a flushing Sakura. The girl nodded and smiled.

"Thank you Hokage-sama! We're going!" She said quickly. Sasuke returned a respectful nod to Sarutobi. The three newly minted genin headed out the door, shutting it behind them. Naruto sighed, rubbing the back of his head.

"So... Uh..." He looked at his friends nervously. "You... You weren't just saying you were cool with the whole... Kyuubi thing to avoid trouble with the Hokage, right?"

"That you have to ask that proves you are really are an idiot," Sakura laughed.

Sasuke nodded as well. "Hn..."

Naruto sighed. "Good! Good... Now all I have to do is..." Naruto paled. "Tell my mom that I was involved in an anti-spy sting and nearly died... Uh..." He winced. "Well, maybe it won't be that bad...?"

"Your mom?" Asked Sakura. "How bad could she be?"

Naruto stared at her. He shook his head. He looked over at Sasuke with a dead expression. The Uchiha survivor shook his head back.

"You're on your own, Weirdo."

"You guys are the worst friends ever," Naruto said. "Seriously."

* * *

Anko was grinning when he came home. It gave Naruto a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"Uh... Hello, Anko-nee-chan," he said. "Is there any chance I could get out of telling my mom what I did?"

"If I couldn't, you can't," Anko said cheerfully. She seized him by the collar, and tossed him into his room.

"Oof! Hey!" Naruto yelped. "I stopped an evil chuunin from turning my friends into lab rats!" He shouted through the door, pounding on it. "Doesn't that count for anything?!"

" _Actually, it does,"_ spoke his mother. Naruto turned and worried his lip as he saw his mother's face on the computer screen. She and his father were sitting in view of the camera, tense but looking somewhat calm. He walked over to the chair, and sat in front of the screen.

"Um... Hey Mom, hey Dad," he said. Mary sighed, and rubbed her face.

" _I'm not angry, Naruto,"_ she said. " _I mean, with you. Given how teachers abuse people's trust here..."_ She shook her head. " _I'm just..."  
_  
"I know," Naruto said softly, holding a hand up to the screen. "You don't want me here."

Mary smiled wanly. " _Can you blame me?"_ She asked. " _I wanted you to grow up to be what you wanted... With me supporting you. And now... Now I have no choices at all."  
_  
Rob sighed, taking Mary's hand. He squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back. Naruto's hands clenched instinctively, wanting to feel his parents' comforting grip. That said...

"I do want to be back home, Mom and Dad," Naruto said. "I really do... But..." He shrugged. "I mean... This is home too, now. Not just for the old guys, but... My friends now." He smiled. "Sides... I think this world needs me."

" _So does this one,"_ Mary said. " _Not to fight, not to war... But... To be our son."  
_  
"I still am," Naruto said, leaning forward and touching the screen. "I am! I always am... But this is... Well... Someplace I need to be."

Mary glanced over to Rob, her eyes narrowed. Rob gave his son a smile.

" _I understand that,"_ Rob said. " _I hate it... But sometimes a man has to face the storm,"_ he said, to Naruto as much as his wife. Mary scowled.

" _When he's a_ man," Mary emphasized. " _Not a boy!"  
_  
Naruto grimaced. They usually kept their fights private, but if it was spilling out like this it must have been really bad. "Guys, please," Naruto begged. "Look... I am stuck here. But I'm not gonna turn out like... Ya know... Your nightmares, okay?" He said with a smile. Mary sucked in a deep breath, and wiped her eyes. Rob chuckled.

" _... You are growing up, aren't you?"_ Mary asked softly. Naruto shrugged and smiled.

"Maybe a little," he said. He smiled warmly at his parents. "Besides... What can I do but be... Ya know... Superman?"

" _Little different circumstances, buddy,"_ Rob pointed out. Naruto shrugged.

"Still fits. Earth... Is my home," he said with a smile. Mary smiled back, even as tense as she looked. She touched the screen too, and Naruto swore he could feel her love for him.

" _Take care... And your birthday present is coming through,"_ Mary said. She glared. " _I expect you to wear it on every mission, even if it's just to walk dogs. Every. One."  
_  
"Well... Okay mom," Naruto said, with a quick nod. "I will... Promise."

He looked over at his father, pleading... And Rob smirked.

" _Considering I helped put it together? I'd feel very insulted if you didn't wear it,"_ he replied. Naruto groaned.

"Okay, okay," he said. "But it had better not be too embarrassing."

They talked a bit longer after that-Learning about the whole caper, from beginning to end-before his parents wished him goodnight, and the screen went off. Naruto sighed, and rubbed his whiskered face. He looked out the window at Konoha, as the sun was beginning to peek over the horizon and bathe the mountain monument in pinks, oranges and golds.

He couldn't help but wonder how he would have turned out if he'd grown up all his life here in Konoha. If he'd have still become a ninja. If he'd still befriend Sakura and Sasuke. If Mizuki would have made the same choices. If anyone would.

The life of a ninja was scary, dangerous and life threatening... But that sense of triumph, that amazing victorious feeling... It was stronger there than the dread or terror. It made him feel... Like a hero, despite everything. Like what he did mattered, and shaped the world.

And as much as he loved home and missed his family... He liked that feeling. And wanted to keep feeling it.

* * *

 _Happy Thanksgiving!_


End file.
